Limbless Jack's Blog

The Drop

2012-01-13T01:42:00.000-08:00

"So where we gonna do this?" "Yeah, $10,000 sound good?" "Make it $12,000 and we have got a deal." "OK, your guy will be at the place we discussed." "Yep, but what about the bag?" "What about it?" "Well in the movies they always have the same bag." "...Sooo" "I think we should discuss which bag we are gonna get" "I am not shelling out for a nice bag, this is costing me too much already." "OK, OK,

For Boston

2011-06-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

Because I can't get you out of my mind!

Surf Tour

2011-06-03T21:51:00.000-07:00

Bath Music

2011-05-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

Ever been in the bath or shower and thought why isn't there an album just dedicated to me cleaning myself? Why hasn't Now That's What I Call Music made a mix tape that fixes my needs of grooving out while showering? Well now you can with Now That's What I Bathing Music. Since ancient times humans have loved to get funky in hot water and with new technologies you can get funky without anyone

Osama Bin Laden

2011-05-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

BeauPro

2011-04-28T02:18:00.000-07:00

Speaking Of Which...

2011-04-14T02:08:00.000-07:00

Tired of the conversation at hand? Annoyed at a whole nation bringing up shit about your rule? Fed up with not having others talk about yourself? Well have no fear! There is a new style of speech that will help you talk about you with others. Just start all your conversation changers with the words "Speaking of which" and then say something like, "I don't remember the last time I went to an

Drinks Don't Make You Fat!

2011-03-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

....It is what you eat while you're intoxicated! I feel Alcohol has gotten a bad rap for being a fattening agent in our culture. I subscribe to the theory that if it doesn't stick to your body then it won't get you fat. So pour that Cosmopolitan, that peanut and jelly sandwich and those french fries on you. Obviously, The Cosmo is the least fattening of the bunch. Go out there and

The Klan Kleans!

2011-03-17T00:15:00.000-07:00

Tired of all those black smudges on your white walls/tiles/bathrooms? Well its time to employ the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan's deep hatred of black smudges will simmer that smear right off. Made of complete organic hatred, you can be sure its safe for whitey. Have a spot? Reach for the Klan!

Kids Toys

2011-03-13T23:29:00.000-07:00

I believe that society has wasted too much energy on children. Honestly, they are mostly a waste of space until they grow up and start producing for our wonderful country. America is in trouble and I believe that we need to stop focusing on our future, children, they can deal with their future when they need to, we got our own problems. That's why I suggest that we go back to the golden age

Caffeinated Doctors!

2011-02-26T02:14:00.000-08:00

A new sitcom is coming to NBC and let me be the first to break the news! Caffeinated Doctors, Thursdays at 10/9c. This show is what you get when you put the dramatic stylings of ER, Grey's Anatomy and Doogie Howser, M.D. and mix it with Red bulls, 4Lokos, and coffee. What do you get? Drugged up, short-fused, sex-crazed characters who won't even be able to preform their duties correctly.

Beach City

2011-02-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Some photos courtesy of Simona Luisa Mariotto Photography.

We've been experiencing...

2011-02-07T17:05:00.000-08:00

Technical Difficulties!! Don't worry, we have a crack team on it.

2011: Sidewalks of the Future!

2011-01-11T19:47:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2011! Remember how you used to walk? It just got you from point A to point B...lame as that purple stuff next to Sunny D. As you can see in Fig. 1 Rembrandt walks on the Energy Absorbing Panel (EAP) which takes the force from his weight landing on the sidewalk panel and transfers it to a battery. The battery can power whatever one chooses, but most feasibly is light. Fig. 1

2010 Scraps

2010-12-28T18:23:00.000-08:00

So here is what I couldn't use or didn't get to this year. How Russian Names Work Russian names seem to change all the time. Just when you thought you’d gotten used to Ivan Ivanovich, you suddenly run across Vanya Ivanov, who seems to resemble Ivan. He could be the same person. Here’s a quick and very basic guide to Russian names. Each Russian has three names: a first name, a patronymic, and

Sex By Surprise

2010-12-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

Has this happened to you? "Are you here to kill me?" "No I am here to rape you" Julian Assange, CEO wikileaks has been in the news a lot lately, mainly for rape or as the swedish say, "Sex by Surprise," but the real story has yet to surface. After an in depth investigation by yours truly, I have discovered a secret organization of rape assassins. This sex by surprise assassin organization

The Future

2010-12-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

The Future is coming and along with it: time travel! Sadly the Hadron Collider won't be the one who breaks down the dilemmas we have with transporting through history. Gerry Lopez surfing The inventor is alive today and has already developed the time machine, his name is Gerry Lopez. He is a famous surfer and currently the only proven man to travel through time, although many believe there are

Clown Porn

2010-11-15T22:54:00.000-08:00

Advert your eyes fair children and gentle ladies for what you will see here is nothing more than the most insane pictures you'll ever lay eyes upon! From the minds of psychopaths who only get sexually aroused through scaring themselves, I bring you porn clowns...(gasps, howls and a kazoo). Where most people find themselves completely flaccid (happens to women too, right?) at the sight of the

The Good Life

2010-11-07T10:50:00.000-08:00

Tiny's Taxi Service

2010-11-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

Tired of scary taxi drivers asking you questions? "How are you?""Where are you going?" "Is this it?" At Tiny's Taxi Service we have taken the scary guy out of the taxi ride experience. Through years of research we found that if you have the most disturbed and frightening people wearing sock puppets, kids won't even be afraid of them. That is exactly what Tiny's Taxi Service has done! We take

Art Now!

2010-10-22T13:42:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers, today we have a series of pictures/paintings. The question I pose to you my jacklitos, is the artist male or female? As an expert on the subject of art. I believe that all art can be distinguished by its creator as male or female and for that matter their sexual orientation. So can you guess their gender? Put your answers in the comments. 1 2 3 4

Catosby

2010-10-12T21:07:00.000-07:00

The Cardboard Box Forest

2010-09-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

Some readers have been asking, "Jack what do you do all day?" My Reply: Magic, with a side of unlicensed super cheap liposuction! Limbless Jack Cuts more than the Fat, He hits the Heart! I Slash my prices by using outdated tools!

Bears in the Office

2010-09-10T01:29:00.000-07:00

WARNING: BEARS IN THE OFFICE!! We here in California are having a hell of a time: the states bankruptcy, threats of earthquakes, a gas fire raging through San Bruno, but it seems there is a new threat to California....Bears in the office!! No, no, no, I am not talking about burly gay men(they've been there the whole time), but American Grizzlys and Brown Bear roaming our fine golden state

The Art of Flossing

2010-09-01T01:06:00.000-07:00

Have you ever found yourself trapped at a social eating function without floss or a toothpick? I find myself eating and then there are other people/animals enclosing all the time (See me on Meerkat Manor at Discovery Channel 8/9 central). With food stuck in your teeth you are forced into alienation, discomfort and even wooden teeth! George Washington learned this the hard way, but he vowed

Seal Beating Conference 2010

2010-08-12T01:51:00.000-07:00

Well It looks like that time of year again! Where everyone gets out their favorite club and heads up to Canada to hit some nice seal noggin'. This November will be Canada's 23rd annual Seal Beating Conference (AKA SeeBee-Con)! Where people of all ages get together to beat on seals, trade and make clubs and confab about being a SeeBee. Hand Made Seal Club This year will be adding

Dolphins: The Assholes of the Sea

2010-08-04T01:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am not serious, but mostly I never joke. So it angers me when people laugh at what I am about to tell you kind readers: Dolphins are Dicks. They steal your girlfriends, they rape people (like Hank from King of the Hill), and the worst thing about Dolphins...They take your WAVE! These porpoises are only good for one thing: shark fin soup! I have sent many emails to various

Drunk Cooking

2010-07-23T11:14:00.000-07:00

Stump: Where is He Now?

2010-07-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

When I met stump, I thought man that kid was going places...I was only 9, but an excellent judge of character. Sadly his career didn't take off after Angry Beavers ended. We don't know where stump is now, but this is a petition to get him back on the television! Who the hell is stump? I am sure some of my dear readers are asking, well wikipedia says, Stump: Stump is a tree stump that

July 4th

2010-07-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

Some of the photos are from Cheyenne

And So it Goes

2010-07-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

Spain verses Netherlands, who knew that the war would finally see a winner! Many Americans probably think that these teams wouldn't be a rivalry, but oh how wrong you would be to say that to a Spanish or Dutch native. They have been in an off again on again war since 1568! Although many treaties has been signed and the war "technically" ended in 1609, with the Treaty of Münster. This Sunday all

BEEPER SEX

2010-06-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

It is on the tip of everyone's tongue! From when they wake up till the fall asleep. Does fast-paced sexting drive you up the wall? Well do we have the answer for you! BEEPER SEX PAGER DOING IT (SEXUAL GRUNT) I WILL REQUIRE A PAY PHONEANYONE HAVE A QUARTER?

The Yoga Resistance

2010-06-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

Are you tired of all these yoga nut jobs? Do you have nightmare that one of those yoga stores will open up in your neighborhood? Does the sight of sweaty, spandex laden people at the grocery store make your purchasing experience dreadful? Well if this discribes you in anyway, there is a rebel group a foot. There was Bikram and now there is Brittleyam! JOIN US! Where Bikram is hot (like hell),

An Evening in the City

2010-06-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

A call from my neighbors, they are having a dinner party, I immediately grabbed my jacket and went over. As an honorary "refrigerator" friend, I knew my way around...what I didn't know was who would be there: The Owners Katie - Presumable a retired Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, around 28 Dan - A high end stock broker, really into fine wine, drugs and boston red socks. 45 years old The Guests

Becoming a Man

2010-06-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

Part 13 Last week in Becoming a Man we explored the ins-and-outs of what you can and cannot put in a electrical socket. Anyways moving onward, turning into a man is as much a physical change as a mental and today, we will focus on the physical. It is important as a male to change from his girly boyish phase to a fully developed dude. The most obvious is fur, humans maintain their fleece so as to

This week on Lost

2010-05-25T11:22:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that this show finally ended....

The Sky is Falling

2010-05-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

What the hell are you doing Obama! The economy is down in the dumps and you cut the one thing that is going to save us: THE SPACE PROGRAM As I see it readers, the earth is going to kill us all. It is just a big rock spinning around and around, and a predictable target is an easy one. I mean when the sea otters and aardvarks rise up against us, where will we go? We need to be ready to have an

A Threat to the City

2010-05-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Murder's OSS

2010-04-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

Do you find yourself unable to find a One Stop Shop for all your heinous needs and deeds? That annoying dog that keeps you up all night? That dead prostitute just lying in your hotel room? Well we've got the solution for you at Murder's One Stop Shop. Your local gardening/hardware store doesn't have the answers that our confidant (legally bound to keep quiet) staff will have. Our aisle are set

The Year 2016

2010-04-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

In the Year 2016, There will be a great bond between the President of the United States and that of the Prime Minister of Canada. Their elections campaigns coincided at relatively the same time and their backgrounds made them good friends. After President Obama finished his second term, the Democrats were in need of a strong candidate. The Green Party had a formable opponent, Robert K. Dole Jr.

Birth Control

2010-04-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that Axe Body Spray is not protecting you enough? I mean it is ridiculous, after applying, you have maybe 3 to 10 seconds before you are bombarded by very attractive women. Well thanks to the scientists at Axe, we have now added quick drying latex condom feature. Simply Spray Axe Body Spray and Liquid Condom® on the areas you want to smell nice and prevent births. So let those

The Pros and Cons of Dating a Werewolf

2010-04-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

A collaboration between 16,000/Square Mile and myself, we determined: Pros Protection from vampires Protection from criminals who do not carry guns that hold silver bullets Night vision Heightened senses Can walk around during the daytime The song "Werewolves of London" Retriever qualities Rabies proof? Cons Ogre hands Full moon full crazy

Very Dangerous & Highly Illegal Criminals Investigate, warn & find Source.

2010-03-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

To the embassies, military/intelligence or any human rights agency. Hello, Please read carefully and investigate. This is of great military and political importance. Consider this to be of very high priority. The nature of this information and the truth behind it is extremely vastly evil and lethal. If I don't hear from you all, you are affected. The United States or some secret agency is

Is Your Brain Driving You Nuts??

2010-03-12T16:16:00.000-08:00

Subtle Thistle

2010-03-01T01:36:00.000-08:00

....Try yelling that at a moving bus! It is clear that Yellow won't be my color this year, a mistake I rarely make, either way I won't go back. Has anyone been noticing the earthquakes lately? Like Haiti and Chile? C'mon, does anyone else see a pattern? There has been a high concentration of quakes worldwide, and they have been more consistent each year. So far there have been 22 earthquakes

Tiny's Services

2010-02-15T11:15:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of work, but have no vacation time? Let Tiny's Services help you! We will work with you to create the best alibi for your next vacation. Examples of Alibi's: Cousin was ran over by a Prius Terminal illness (we have doctors that will testify for us) Jury Duty and much much more. We will send in a Professional into your house to do such Services(AKA Skin That Cat) as: Safely

Lemon Drop

2010-02-08T23:38:00.001-08:00

Patrick Swayze's Return!

2010-01-25T00:05:00.000-08:00

But Swazee is DEAD! I know, I know, but because Warner Brothers saw the potential in making a movie centered around dancing they brought Patrick Swayze back from the dead. As Step it Up and Step it Up 2: The Streets, saw huge profits, Warner Brothers wanted a taste. Forcing Swayze's corpse to sign a 5 year contract of exclusive work in exchange for his life. To raise Swayze from the dead,

Team building

2010-01-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

It seems that my world is getting creepy...sickening even and I am not talking about the heavy drinking. Which leads to: Number of Deaths for Leading Causes of Death in the US Heart disease: 631,636 Cancer: 559,888 Stroke (cardiovascular diseases): 137,119 Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 124,583 Accidents (unintentional injuries): 121,599 Diabetes: 72,449 Alzheimer's

Sweat the Pits

2010-01-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

Have sweaty armpits? It's the....worst, huh? If you're anything like me, you have six to seven different types of deodorant at any time and take 4 showers a day. Now you can cure yourself with surgery, cutting off all your sleeves or attaching electric sponges to your pits, but who wants to try those invasive and potentially deadly procedures. So I would like to hark back to the time of the

Gilroy police look for homeless man accused of attack with sword

2009-12-24T01:41:00.000-08:00

Gilroy police are looking for a 52-year-old homeless man who they say attacked a homeless Kevin Costner look-a-like with a sword. If you see a homeless man with a sword, keep your distance and contact the authorities. The Kevin Costner look-a-like could not be reached for comment. Similar attacks are happening all across the US.

W. Of Orange

2009-12-14T18:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't been honest with you, my closest friends, I have a love...an addiction...to Orange! I am sorry for keeping secrets from you internet, I promise to keep telling you everything. Now, I didn't notice my addiction until I moved out from under my parents reign. The Orange, it calls to me and I say yes every time. Then I eat it. So there you have it, a direct connection between, color,

World Cup 2010: South Africa

2009-12-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well it is that time again! The groups have been chosen and now is the time for you to choose the winner. Will you pick the safe bet? Your home team? That one team with that hot dude? So lets get down to brass tacks: You can only enter the pool once. It is $10.00 per person. The deadline is June 9th, 2010. I know your thinking that man that seems like its really really far away, but I

Could it be, Could it be?

2009-12-03T23:24:00.000-08:00