The Cardboard Box Forest

Some readers have been asking, "Jack what do you do all day?" My Reply: Magic, with a side of unlicensed super cheap liposuction!

Limbless Jack Cuts more than the Fat, He hits the Heart!

I Slash my prices by using outdated tools!

Bears in the Office

WARNING: BEARS IN THE OFFICE!! 

We here in California are having a hell of a time: the states bankruptcy, threats of earthquakes, a gas fire raging through San Bruno, but it seems there is a new threat to California....Bears in the office!! No, no, no, I am not talking about burly gay men(they've been there the whole time), but American Grizzlys and Brown Bear roaming our fine golden state offices. Now I admit that I haven't seen a bear in the office, but lets look at the facts:

• Jill's lunch went missing
• The odd dents in the walls around the office
• The Staff room is a mess
• The faint smell of redwoods
• The addition of complex tops to trash cans around the office
• Poop

Reenactment 

Dare I say these are crafty bears. The closer we get to the dead of winter the more I feel tired, as if their hibernation is contagious. So for my employed readers, Take Heed! We are in a struggle for our lives and offices.

On a side note, I would like to tell take a moment to tell you about teeth. Now I know my last post was about teeth and I know teeth are cool these days. Just realize that there is a dark side to teeth. Did you know that 95% of all bitings injuries are caused by teeth?

The Art of Flossing

Have you ever found yourself trapped at a social eating function without floss or a toothpick? I find myself eating and then there are other people/animals enclosing all the time (See me on Meerkat Manor at Discovery Channel 8/9 central). With food stuck in your teeth you are forced into alienation, discomfort and even wooden teeth! George Washington learned this the hard way, but he vowed for it never to happen to anyone else.

Unfortunately he would never find the cure, but I, Limbless Jack, have! I patented a technique that not only will start a whole set of un-awkward conversations(I had one in the men's bathroom!), you won't have gunk in your teeth. I like to think of my technique as the Mcgyver style of flossing. Simply grab something at or around the table and stick it in between the teeth that are having a foray with a foreign substance.

STEP BY STEP

1. Slide in quickly
2. Make sure not to get paper items soggy 
3. Pull out flossing agent with unwanted food

Warning! It is very bad if the flossing agent gets stuck in between your teeth

List of Famous People Who Have Employed This Technique to Impress Company

• Calista Flockhart
• Gene Hackman
• Sandra Day O'Connor
• Brooke Shields
• Superman's enemy
• Tupac Amaru II
• Posh Spice
• Tobey Maguire

List of Items I Have Used to Floss

• Paper Napkin
• Cloth Napkin
• Tissue
• Table Cloth
• Newspaper
• Knife
• Notepad
• Other food
• Dollar
• Straw
• Pen
• T-shirt
• Electrical wires
• Swishing Water/Wine/Melted Butter
• Hair 
• Cup
• And Much More...

Be A Winner -- Stick it in your mouth!

Seal Beating Conference 2010

Well It looks like that time of year again! Where everyone gets out their favorite club and heads up to Canada to hit some nice seal noggin'. This November will be Canada's 23rd annual Seal Beating Conference (AKA SeeBee-Con)! Where people of all ages get together to beat on seals, trade and make clubs and confab about being a SeeBee.

Hand Made Seal Club

 This year will be adding even more than last year, with booths for children to make their own beating stick and Whack-a-Seal, fun for all ages!

Whack-A-Seal Booth

We are proud to announce new exciting way to bludgeon a seal: Club a "Navy" Seal. We pit you against some of the most dangerous seals we have. We dress them up in adorable Navy SEALs outfits and let them go into our contained seal environment. You will have to use your wit and cunning to beat these "Navy" Seals! 

Club a "Navy" Seal 

Sign up here to get your reservation! 

Dolphins: The Assholes of the Sea

Sometimes I am not serious, but mostly I never joke. So it angers me when people laugh at what I am about to tell you kind readers: Dolphins are Dicks. They steal your girlfriends, they rape people (like Hank from King of the Hill), and the worst thing about Dolphins...They take your WAVE!  These porpoises are only good for one thing: shark fin soup!

I have sent many emails to various Broadcasting stations warning them of the impending doom, only to get in return "We feel that Dolphins are caring, harmless creatures." But they don't know the danger, they are the police of the sea, why do you think they use sonar?

Dolphins thrive on kicking all the other animals out, including sharks, a long time friend of Limblessjack. Sharks are just the lovable pigs of the ocean, they just want to try everything before they die and who can blame them, I tried ox tail for the first time and it was delicious.