The Man

In recent times I have had to deal with people...well ever since my parents took me away from my pack. So now that I have accustomed myself to the urbanized I wonder: Why is the Man all in my face. The Man can be in many forms but the most common and where I will start is Law/Government.

In Arizona, land of little water and the nocturnal lifestyle...smells dusty, there was a recent series of events. Firstly, a small local paper, The New Times, printed the address of a sheriff they thought was corrupt. The cop retaliated by arresting the owners of the New Times. Then the Arizona Republic decided to rebuttal by saying that finding address information was easy and put up the District Attorney's home address on their website(taken down). The DA was spear-heading the arrests, when the Republic attacked him, he immediately cried out to the media that reporters have no right to be giving away officials privacy away(even though the information is easily obtainable online). And then after all his complaining, he puts up his blog the address's of the owners of the AZ Republic.
How can the Man be so stupid? Everyone's address is on the internet, the Republic was pointing this out. Also arresting journalists? Maziltov son!

PART 2 (Work)

I recently started a job...they offered to pay...me...for bitch work at minimum wage, its a real shame that I graduated college. Since I get to bag other peoples groceries, which could probably be done by anyone with the IQ of 12. Not that I am on some high horse, it is just that I have worked my way up the bitch jobs: Paramount Kings Island, Burger King, Long's Drugs etc. To have to go back to the last in line is retarded. I have no motivation to work somewhere where I have to clean the bathrooms every 2 hours. My pack would be so ashamed (see). So my job sucks, (everyone complains about it, SO WHAT). I know, I know, I need to solve my job situation:

#1. Move back into the Forest. Gonna be hard though, I really like showers.

#2. Get Stabbed, my Safeway has plenty of vagrants, then I could sue Safeway. The only problem is I would have to wait months before I can win the court case and I would have to take one for the team. (Side Note: I spent a lot of time thinking about all likely situations and stabbing is by far the most likely.)

#3. Quit. This would be annoying since I did so much just to start working, it would be copping out, then I would be no better than the Man.

#4. Arson. No downside, everyone loves a good fire (e.g. Burning Man)

The Man controls Safeway, not only does it tell Safeway what they cannot do, but Safeway starts to follow the Man's example. They create an atmosphere of paranoia and fear. Every 15 minutes I am supposed to swipe my card to prove that I have been doing my rounds. Also they hire secret shoppers, who come into the store at least once a week and grade us on our performance. And if we do badly, we get the ax. I don't bend, I will slaughter them like a wolf among sheep!

Notes: Safeway smells like a refrigerator, with the faint smell of produce. The temperature is cooler than most, but comfortable to me. Florescent lights make me go crazy. The water tastes like blood, is it mind-control fluids or just their way of making equal opportunity to vampires?



Denis is dressed in khakis and short sleeve button up shirt with a tie, all look cheap and it looks unnatural on his scrawny body. Kyle, the Denny’s manager, is in the manager attire and his nametag clearly visible looking at Denis’s application. Kyle is a very heavyset man in his mid 40s.

So it seems like everything is in order, but you seemed to have misspelled your name.

Oh, no that’s how it’s spelled, Den-is.

Well it looks like Pen-is.
[Close-up of application]

Do you go by your middle name?

No my parents didn’t give me one.

Why not?

Cause they thought it would be too elitist.

Are you trying to hide your Royalty?

No! Never, we are just working class, proud to be proletariat.

Well OK Denis, It seems like we are done here. Welcome to the Denny’s family, pretty soon we will all be calling you Denny D. (chuckles)

Kyle shows Denis around, showing various items including a very nice blender from the 1950’s. This blender will become the most important thing in Denis’s life.


Showers are your Friend: an Educational Blog

Recently I have been getting a lot of comments on my showering habits (like showering 7 times a day is a crime), and it is obvious to me that they are in the wrong. Here are a few key points on showering.

--How to Shower--
1. Turn on the water in the shower area (make sure it is the right temperature)
2. Enter the shower room
3. Become wet (just let the water remove the icky)
4. Now the fun begins, Experiment with different type of showers (I will explain personal favorites later). Most commonly people use soap and shampoo, make these items your best shower buddy. Showering should be a pleasant experience, never do anything in a shower that your not comfortably. (personally I am not a big fan of yoga showering)
5. Rinse all cleansing products from your body.
6. When you feel ready (which is never for me) exit the shower.

--Notes on Showering--
~Sleeping in showers is a great way to keep clean and catch up on needed Zzz's.
~Never run in showers.
~Electronics are a NO! Remember what Abel said to Cain "Don't put that there"
~Take into consideration what foods are water-proof so to speak, Cantaloupe good, Sandwich bad!
~Peeing in the shower is considered by some to be a major faux-pas, when showering with others be courteous and don't do it.
~Remember to remove your clothes before showering.if you don't own an iron leave your clothes in the bathroom while you shower, it will steam press them.
~Do not try to use fireworks in the shower, it is a waste.
~Not showering everyday is barbaric. Make it a daily habit!

--Types of Showers--

Jamaican Shower- Usually refers to taking a shower while taking pot, but one can take other types of mind expanding narcotics.

Hooker Shower- Coined by the famous comedian George Carlin, it refers to a quick shower where one cleans only three parts of the body: Crotch, Ass and Armpits. Editors note, only do under extreme circumstances!

Shower Orgy- My personal favorite, It is where the showeree enters into continual showers over the course of a day. I usually do this on weekends, entering into shower intercourse about 7 times a day.

--In next weeks edition on showering, Bleach: clean that dirt off right, Steel wool sponge makes the best washcloth!, and of course Q and A- L Jack answers readers questions.