Patrick Swayze's Return!

But Swazee is DEAD! I know, I know, but because Warner Brothers saw the potential in making a movie centered around dancing they brought Patrick Swayze back from the dead. As Step it Up and Step it Up 2: The Streets, saw huge profits, Warner Brothers wanted a taste. Forcing Swayze's corpse to sign a 5 year contract of exclusive work in exchange for his life. 

To raise Swayze from the dead, Warner Brothers had Native Americans revive them with their ancient powers. The only way Patrick could be revived is if he fully assimilated into the tribe. According to eye witness reports, Swayze has changed his name to Apache and looks like the picture to the left. Warner Brothers will be releasing the footage of his revival on UPN in a 12 part series.

After finishing the revival process, Apache was quickly sent to the studios to film a sequel to one of his most beloved films, Dirty Dancing 2: Dancing 2 Fornicate. As the title infers the movie will be dirtier and sexier. Coming out in 2011.


Team building

It seems that my world is getting creepy...sickening even and I am not talking about the heavy drinking. Which leads to:

Number of Deaths for Leading Causes of Death in the US
  • Heart disease: 631,636
  • Cancer: 559,888
  • Stroke (cardiovascular diseases): 137,119
  • Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 124,583
  • Accidents (unintentional injuries): 121,599
  • Diabetes: 72,449
  • Alzheimer's disease: 72,432
  • Influenza and Pneumonia: 56,326
  • Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 45,344
  • Septicemia: 34,234

Five Leading Causes of Death, USA, Ages 15-24, 1998
  • Accidents: 12,752
  • Homicide: 5,233
  • Suicide: 4,003
  • Cancer: 1,670
  • Heart Disease: 961
Mine goes a little differently though:

My Own Top Ten Possible Causes for Death
(In no particular order) 
Try it at home with your friends!
  • Drowning 
  • Oncoming traffic
  • Homicide (too many peeps be hatin' yo)
  • Cancer
  • Fire (includes spontaneous combustion and fire ants)
  • Alcohol
  • A moment where I should have ducked
  • Earthquake
  • Falling
  • Cults

       Anyways,  Figure Skating is cool right? Right. So after being forced to dance with a man in front of my coworkers then trying to navigate through a pool in a cardboard boat. I came to a realization: Sonja Henie, the Micheal Jordan of Figure Skating.  She was the first to wear short skirts and white ice skates.  The girl was an innovator, a movie star and possibly a Nazi sympathizer.  We can learn a lot from her.


      Sweat the Pits

      Have sweaty armpits? It's the....worst, huh? If you're anything like me, you have six to seven different types of deodorant at any time and take 4 showers a day.  Now you can cure yourself with surgery, cutting off all your sleeves or attaching electric sponges to your pits, but who wants to try those invasive and potentially deadly procedures. So I would like to hark back to the time of the Native Americans.

      Although they did not wear shirts, they too had to deal with sweat coming out of their axilla. They wore armbands to prevent the leaking. "But Jack, they didn't have to worry about pit stains like the western world has to!" That is where I come in, I have tweaked the armband slightly to make it more viable as a pit stain preventer in this day and age.

      You're Welcome Interwebs.