Are you tired of all these yoga nut jobs? Do you have nightmare that one of those yoga stores will open up in your neighborhood? Does the sight of sweaty, spandex laden people at the grocery store make your purchasing experience dreadful?
Well if this discribes you in anyway, there is a rebel group a foot. There was Bikram and now there is Brittleyam! JOIN US! Where Bikram is hot (like hell), Brittleyam is cool (like 35° F). The goal of Bikram is to be warm and limber, we do not like. Brittleyam wants you brittle and the only way to achieve that is by freezing you. This also leads to the opposite type of clothing, you won't want to be wearing spandex to class, oh no, you will be wearing 3 layers of pants and maybe on super puffy jacket! Why you ask? Because our classes take place in meat freezers. So boys and girls, lets get Brittle...YAMS!
A call from my neighbors, they are having a dinner party, I immediately grabbed my jacket and went over. As an honorary "refrigerator" friend, I knew my way around...what I didn't know was who would be there: The Owners
Katie - Presumable a retired Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, around 28
Dan - A high end stock broker, really into fine wine, drugs and boston red socks. 45 years old
Christian Bale's Fiancee (CBF)
Tits Mcgee - Conan's wife
So here I am, endless free beer and Tits Mcgee hitting on me. She wants me to take off my pants, luckily there is need for cigarettes which I donate my time to. When I return, Bale, O'Brien and Tits are all in the hot tub, naked. To make it more interesting Tits wants to dive for a quarter, so there we were watching as 3 grown naked people wrestled in a hot tub for a quarter. CBF seemed to be quite annoyed with her husband to be, so we went inside, they followed.
Standing there as Tits was flashing everyone, I felt like maybe this soiree wasn't so bad, but then Bale just walked through the house naked, strutting. Tits and Conan start making out, Conan at least found his clothes. Bale finally robed and Tits just went upstairs to do coke. For the coup de grace, Batman decided to show his superiority and challenge me to an arm battle. After he wins a game, he takes off his pants and demands that I lick his balls, Conan is yelling to see this too. I turn and leave and as I am walking down the hall way I hear from Bale,
"Jack, I'm going to Tackle you."
"Ok are you ready?" he assumes the line back position, "HUT 42, HUT 42, HIKE!"
He comes at me full speed, I step to the side and push him into the wall behind me. What have we learned tonight kids? Christian Bale is no fun to party with, he will just get everyone high on mushroom tea and leave your place in disarray.
Last week in Becoming a Man we explored the ins-and-outs of what you can and cannot put in a electrical socket. Anyways moving onward, turning into a man is as much a physical change as a mental and today, we will focus on the physical. It is important as a male to change from his girly boyish phase to a fully developed dude. The most obvious is fur, humans maintain their fleece so as to be distinguished from the animals. But where women are the furtherest from fur laden beasts('cept for french women), men sympathize...almost pay tribute to their brotherly beast. We are MEN dammit! We don't shave our legs or our armpits, we are the golden mean.
-So Lads, Listen Carefully-
Try not to remove any hair unless you feel it is necessary
If you must remove the hair, find the most dangerous way possible to remove the hair. Take a cutthroat razor, a butchers knife, matches, tree bark and try to remove the hair in question.
Either way your hair is going to keep growing after you die.
Hair cuts at salons are for pussies, get some gardening shears and do it YOURSELF!
Part 14 of Becoming a Man: Manly Costumes...Choosing the right one for you!