2010 Scraps

So here is what I couldn't use or didn't get to this year.
How Russian Names Work

Russian names seem to change all the time. Just when you thought you’d gotten used to Ivan Ivanovich, you suddenly run across Vanya Ivanov, who seems to resemble Ivan. He could be the same person.

Here’s a quick and very basic guide to Russian names.

Each Russian has three names: a first name, a patronymic, and a last name/surname. For example: Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov.

1. First Names 
The problem with first names in Russian is that people use endless diminutive forms:

  • Ivan - becomes Vanya, Vanyusha, Vanka, etc.

  • Aleksandr - becomes Sasha, Sanya, Shurik, Shura, Aleksandrushka.

  • Dmitrii - becomes Dima, Mitya, Dimulya.

  • Nataliya - becomes Natasha, Nata, Talia, Natulia, Tashenka

  • Elena - becomes Lena, Lenulia, Lenusia.

    Even more confusing, some diminutives are used for more than one personal name. One of the most common diminutives, Sasha, could refer to Aleksandr, a man, or Aleksandra, a woman. What is to be done? I don’t know. But I will say this: most diminutives are derived from syllables of the full personal names, as I’ve shown above in bold. So my best advice is to look carefully at the diminutives and first names to see if you can determine what they might have in common.

    More often than not, full Russian first names (i.e. not diminutive forms) that end in –a are women’s names. Of course, there are notable exceptions, like Nikita and Kuzma.

    2. Patronymics 
    Patronymics are derived from a person’s father’s name. So Ivan Ivanovich is Ivan
    SonofIvan. His sister Nataliya would be Nataliya Ivanovna.

    This part is easy:

    • Male patronymics end in –ovich or –evich 
    • Female patronymics end in –ovna or –evna 

    Patronymics are generally used together with given names, especially in formal situations: “Ivan Ivanovich, do you want some tea?” But some Russians call each other by their patronymics, though usually only if they know each other well: “Ivanovich, want tea?”

    3. Surnames

    Surnames can be confusing because some are classically Russian-sounding – like Ivanov – but I’ve run across Russians with names like Blyukher or Melville. Here are the most typical types of Russian last names:
    • ending in –ov, like Ivanov. A woman would be Ivanova 
    • ending in –in, like Pushkin. A woman would be Pushkina
    • ending in –oi (or oy), like Tolstoi. A woman would be Tolstaia
    • ending in ii, like Dostoevskii. A woman would be Dostoevskaia. 

    (A caveat: transliteration can change the spellings a lot... Dostoevsky is the same guy as Dostoevskii.)

    In general, surnames that end in –enko are Ukrainian. 

    4. And... 

    One other thing. Many Russians in 19th-century literature also use foreign (usually French) names, so Elena may end up as Helen, and Elizaveta may call herself Elisabeth or, heaven forbid, Betsy.

    In the end, my advice on names is: Don’t stress out about it. If a writer is good, the characters will be well enough developed that you’ll eventually know who’s who by the ways they act and speak. I have problems when writers – in English and in Russian – introduce a lot of characters and information all at once, so this isn’t a problem unique to Russian literature.

    (the writing is not my work)
  • 23.12.10

    Sex By Surprise

    Has this happened to you?

    "Are you here to kill me?"
    "No I am here to rape you"

    Julian Assange, CEO wikileaks has been in the news a lot lately, mainly for rape or as the swedish say, "Sex by Surprise," but the real story has yet to surface. After an in depth investigation by yours truly, I have discovered a secret organization of rape assassins.

    This sex by surprise assassin organization dates back centuries ago, to the time of the crusades. The organization was formed to discredit "pure" crusaders, this was especially effective during the kids crusade.  Assange was obviously attacked by these professional rape assassins....twice.

    Known worldwide, the rape assassins have soiled the names of some of the most famous, rich and powerful people. Their latest victim being Assange, I felt it was only right to bring this atrocity to the forefront.  Nevermind the bullocks, wikileaks will be releasing a bomb early 2011 on Bank of America.

    On a lighter note, Christmas is here and I would just like to share with everyone the best Christmas movie: Die Hard.


    The Future

    The Future is coming and along with it: time travel! Sadly the Hadron Collider won't be the one who breaks down the dilemmas we have with transporting through history.
    Gerry Lopez surfing
    The inventor is alive today and has already developed the time machine, his name is Gerry Lopez. He is a famous surfer and currently the only proven man to travel through time, although many believe there are others. He found with the right type of wave and board combination that he could travel forward and back in time.
    Gerry Lopez in barbarian times
    After some debate, Lopez decided to give his idea (partially) to the world. The catch is that you can only use his time travel machine to surf in the past.

    Entering the Time Warp
    Gerry's philosophy is that the future will be better if people can surf without crowds and that is exactly what his company is doing. Cosmic Surfers Inc. has a heavy screening process for time travel. But don't despair they let Limbless Jack in! 

    Here is a list of famous surfers that have taken the "trip":

    • Gerry Lopez
    • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
    Michelangelo charging hard 
    • Silver Surfer
    • Limbless Jack
    • Bill and Ted
    Next Week: Limbless Jack explains the dangers of surfing with a pterodactyl and how to get gum out of your hair in prehistory.


    Clown Porn

    Advert your eyes fair children and gentle ladies for what you will see here is nothing more than the most insane pictures you'll ever lay eyes upon! From the minds of psychopaths who only get sexually aroused through scaring themselves, I bring you porn clowns...(gasps, howls and a kazoo).

    Where most people find themselves completely flaccid (happens to women too, right?) at the sight of the most terrifying thing on earth, others can only get off on it! Did you see the movie It? I hide from clowns to this day, unsettling.
    Herbert the Pervert Clown, in his earlier work

    The most notorious of the porn clowns is Herbert the Pervert Clown, born in 1975. He was brought up as any child would be with no parents and an ability to juggle, by the circus. Herbert, at age 12, started doing pain killers. When he was 14 was arrested for "unsportsmanlike conduct" for throwing a unicycle at another contestant, fracturing his skull. After a few other arrests (mainly for drugs), Herbert was kicked out of the circus. Out of work he started whoring himself out on the internet. His pornographic exploits in a clown outfit gained a worldwide audience. His fame lead to several others following in his large red foot steps.

    Mary the Fairy Clown

    Gonzo "Dirty" Sanchez



    The Good Life


    Tiny's Taxi Service

    Tired of scary taxi drivers asking you questions?
    "How are you?"
    "Where are you going?" 
    "Is this it?"

    At Tiny's Taxi Service we have taken the scary guy out of the taxi ride experience. Through years of research we found that if you have the most disturbed and frightening people wearing sock puppets, kids won't even be afraid of them. That is exactly what Tiny's Taxi Service has done! We take some of the most dangerous people out there: ex-convicts, 2nd degree murders and clowns. Then we mix in a sock puppet and put them in a taxi car. Thanks to hiring out of the prison and clown academy we have kept our fares the lowest in the city. Our customers have given some of the highest ratings on yelp! Not convinced? Check the reviews yourself!

    "I cannot believe we made it there!"

    "Where am I and why is this sock talking to me?"

    "I was blown.."

    Let's Go Tiny's Taxi Service!


    Art Now!

    Hello dear readers, today we have a series of pictures/paintings. The question I pose to you my jacklitos, is the artist male or female?  As an expert on the subject of art. I believe that all art can be distinguished by its creator as male or female and for that matter their sexual orientation. So can you guess their gender? Put your answers in the comments.