The Drop

"So where we gonna do this?"
"Yeah, $10,000 sound good?"
"Make it $12,000 and we have got a deal."
"OK, your guy will be at the place we discussed."
"Yep, but what about the bag?"
"What about it?"
"Well in the movies they always have the same bag."
"...Sooo"
"I think we should discuss which bag we are gonna get"
"I am not shelling out for a nice bag, this is costing me too much already."
"OK, OK, I'm going to amazon right now, I will buy you one too. What's your address?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, I am not giving you my address!"
"Alright, well what's your email address, I'll send you the--"
"No, jesus then you know where I live....That's it the deals off"

Tumi: Classic bags sold worldwide, for any sort of trade you're into.

For Boston

Because I can't get you out of my mind!

Surf Tour

Bath Music

Ever been in the bath or shower and thought why isn't there an album just dedicated to me cleaning myself? Why hasn't Now That's What I Call Music made a mix tape that fixes my needs of grooving out while showering?  Well now you can with Now That's What I Bathing Music.

Since ancient times humans have loved to get funky in hot water and with new technologies you can get funky without anyone else.

Here are some samples of Now That's What I Bathing Music:

Outkast - So Fresh, So Clean
Jerry Lee Lewis - Great Balls of Fire
Chuck Berry - Johnny B Dirty
Ice Cube - I'll Make you Wet
Bach - I Can't Hear You When I'm in the Bathroom!
.....And Much Much More!

Osama Bin Laden

BeauPro

Speaking Of Which...

Tired of the conversation at hand? Annoyed at a whole nation bringing up shit about your rule? Fed up with not having others talk about yourself? Well have no fear! There is a new style of speech that will help you talk about you with others.

Just start all your conversation changers with the words "Speaking of which" and then say something like, "I don't remember the last time I went to an Olive Garden!" Viola, you are back at the center of topic.

Drinks Don't Make You Fat!

....It is what you eat while you're intoxicated! I feel Alcohol has gotten a bad rap for being a fattening agent in our culture.

I subscribe to the theory that  if it doesn't stick to your body then it won't get you fat. So pour that Cosmopolitan, that peanut and jelly sandwich and those french fries on you.  Obviously, The Cosmo is the least fattening of the bunch. Go out there and stick it to your belly and see for yourself what is really causing the weight gain.

The Klan Kleans!

Tired of all those black smudges on your white walls/tiles/bathrooms? Well its time to employ the Ku Klux Klan. The Klan's deep hatred of black smudges will simmer that smear right off.  Made of complete organic hatred, you can be sure its safe for whitey.

Have a spot? Reach for the Klan!

Kids Toys

I believe that society has wasted too much energy on children. Honestly, they are mostly a waste of space until they grow up and start producing for our wonderful country.  America is in trouble and I believe that we need to stop focusing on our future, children, they can deal with their future when they need to, we got our own problems.

That's why I suggest that we go back to the golden age of children's toys, the 1950's, when toys were simple: Hula Hoops, Pogo Sticks and Yo-Yo's. I suggest that kids companies only be allowed to produce these toys and a few that I thought pertinent to my childhood:

• Pointed Stick
• Large Box

With only these toys on the markets our children will be happy and we won't be wasting any more time on their dumb asses. Thank you and goodnight.

Caffeinated Doctors!

A new sitcom is coming to NBC and let me be the first to break the news! Caffeinated Doctors, Thursdays at 10/9c. This show is what you get when you put the dramatic stylings of ER, Grey's Anatomy and Doogie Howser, M.D. and mix it with Red bulls, 4Lokos, and coffee.

What do you get?

Drugged up, short-fused, sex-crazed characters who won't even be able to preform their duties correctly. Watch as the main character, Timothy, trashes an Operation Room after a botched surgery from an over dose of caffeine. And all the while, nurses, Niki and Tina, don't know that they have the Clap from Timothy...who maybe drugging them for profit! Also, there is a terrorist attack, could it be one of the doctors?

All this and more on Caffeinated Doctors this Thursday on the first episode of the edgiest doctor show ever....Take that Nurse Jackie.

Beach City

Some photos courtesy of Simona Luisa Mariotto Photography.

We've been experiencing...

Technical Difficulties!!

Don't worry, we have a crack team on it.

Sponsored AGAIN!

Well right off the success of my Gentlemen Jack sponsorship comes Stubb's BBQ sauce. Stubb is a strong proponent of the Limbless Community as he only has a head. I dare you to find a picture of more than just his head! Stubb felt that his success in the main stream wasn't as important as his popularity in the amputee community and that's where I enter in. Being the one and only source for limbless people worldwide, it is easy to see why Stubb came to me. Note: don't look Stubb in the eyes.

In other news, my dog is joining our community, he has a complication with his toe will have it removed tomorrow. Welcome, No-Toe-Beau

Sponsored!

Well dear readers It has finally happened, I am officially sponsored by Gentleman Jack! Loved by cheap whiskey drinkers everywhere, Jack Daniels has decided to break into a new demographic.

When Daniels was looking for a spokesman for their new line, they wanted something in the line with the Dois Equis ads, enter Limbless Jack. These are some of the ads that will be hitting bench seats around the world!

If you are a company looking for Limbless Jack, just contact me at through the comments page.

2011: Sidewalks of the Future!

 Welcome to 2011! Remember how you used to walk? It just got you from point A to point B...lame as that purple stuff next to Sunny D.

As you can see in Fig. 1 Rembrandt walks on the Energy Absorbing Panel (EAP) which takes the force from his weight landing on the sidewalk panel and transfers it to a battery. The battery can power whatever one chooses, but most feasibly is light.

Fig. 1

This could be great for businesses: they could place their EAP outside their store, or anywhere in the business, that there is a lot of foot traffic. Then sit back as their power bill gets cut down to size. For example if you own a dance club and install the Energy Absorbing Panels on the dance floor. With every dancer producing 2 to 20 watts every time a panel is decompressed; you will see your energy bill become non-existant.

What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

2010 Scraps

So here is what I couldn't use or didn't get to this year.
How Russian Names Work

Russian names seem to change all the time. Just when you thought you’d gotten used to Ivan Ivanovich, you suddenly run across Vanya Ivanov, who seems to resemble Ivan. He could be the same person.

Here’s a quick and very basic guide to Russian names.

Each Russian has three names: a first name, a patronymic, and a last name/surname. For example: Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov.

1. First Names 

The problem with first names in Russian is that people use endless diminutive forms:

Ivan - becomes Vanya, Vanyusha, Vanka, etc.

Aleksandr - becomes Sasha, Sanya, Shurik, Shura, Aleksandrushka.

Dmitrii - becomes Dima, Mitya, Dimulya.

Nataliya - becomes Natasha, Nata, Talia, Natulia, Tashenka

Elena - becomes Lena, Lenulia, Lenusia.

Even more confusing, some diminutives are used for more than one personal name. One of the most common diminutives, Sasha, could refer to Aleksandr, a man, or Aleksandra, a woman. What is to be done? I don’t know. But I will say this: most diminutives are derived from syllables of the full personal names, as I’ve shown above in bold. So my best advice is to look carefully at the diminutives and first names to see if you can determine what they might have in common.

More often than not, full Russian first names (i.e. not diminutive forms) that end in –a are women’s names. Of course, there are notable exceptions, like Nikita and Kuzma.

2. Patronymics 
Patronymics are derived from a person’s father’s name. So Ivan Ivanovich is Ivan
SonofIvan. His sister Nataliya would be Nataliya Ivanovna.

This part is easy:

• Male patronymics end in –ovich or –evich 
• Female patronymics end in –ovna or –evna 

Patronymics are generally used together with given names, especially in formal situations: “Ivan Ivanovich, do you want some tea?” But some Russians call each other by their patronymics, though usually only if they know each other well: “Ivanovich, want tea?”

3. Surnames

Surnames can be confusing because some are classically Russian-sounding – like Ivanov – but I’ve run across Russians with names like Blyukher or Melville. Here are the most typical types of Russian last names:

• ending in –ov, like Ivanov. A woman would be Ivanova 
• ending in –in, like Pushkin. A woman would be Pushkina
• ending in –oi (or oy), like Tolstoi. A woman would be Tolstaia
• ending in ii, like Dostoevskii. A woman would be Dostoevskaia. 

(A caveat: transliteration can change the spellings a lot... Dostoevsky is the same guy as Dostoevskii.)

In general, surnames that end in –enko are Ukrainian. 

4. And... 

One other thing. Many Russians in 19th-century literature also use foreign (usually French) names, so Elena may end up as Helen, and Elizaveta may call herself Elisabeth or, heaven forbid, Betsy.

In the end, my advice on names is: Don’t stress out about it. If a writer is good, the characters will be well enough developed that you’ll eventually know who’s who by the ways they act and speak. I have problems when writers – in English and in Russian – introduce a lot of characters and information all at once, so this isn’t a problem unique to Russian literature.

(the writing is not my work)