Problem Solved!

I hate pizza, I'll eat it yes, but I hate it. Pizza is everywhere and everyone eats it, they love it. One night dear reader, while wearing my doctors outfit, I realized that pizza causes cancer! Do the math, I hate it, a lot of people eat it and a lot of people get cancer, thus pizza causes cancer. Lets do the math
People = P
Pizza = p
P x p = Peepee
P + p = Cancer

So reader make the connection, do you hate something? Red capes? You may be a bull, just keep your eyes open for these disease hate connections, the life you could be saving...well in my case I was already safe, but it might be your own.
Next Week: Jack writes to celebrities, will they respond? Fireworks: why always up? Black lung or black boogers? You decide!

Bombs and Blankets

So I was thinking about chairs, mainly this one, which basically could work in any cockpit, giant robot or frying people chair. Ummm.....line? So as I was saying Drub is the word of the day, for example today I drubbed. I really have been thinking about blankets and how blankets are very useful, but how can I make money off blankets? I don't know how to sew and I have no interest in starting a sweat shop (at least not for blankets). I do know how to tell people (humans too) what they should do. So I'm gonna break it down and Pop and lock.
Number One
Blankets are warm and square (I mean that literally, but they are uncool too).
Number Two
Magic powers, that kid from peanuts knew it and so should you. From healing to taking revenge on that one annoying person at work "Ah! Blanket in my tailpipe!" The Native Americans knew the wrath of an angry blanket.
Number Three
Great for costumes, from the traditional ghost to Gypsy lady wrapped in a blanket. On a side note, some cultures use the blanket as a sexual aid...I will not go into it because my readers of of the highest class and their eye(s) will burn out of their skull upon reading that.

So if you really want to read such smut: buy my book!

memorizing

Limbless Jack's Fashion or How I Do Not Own a Mirror

Dear Readers,
I know you have been wondering but Jack what kind of fashion do you wear and how can I be as fashionably accessible as you? Well fear not reader fan, I will guide you with the look of 2008.

If you're like me you want to look sharp for any situation, and maintain a classical look I always wear my bunny ears. Bunny's are considered the most fiercest animal in America and businessmen like to bring that intimidation to work. And if you have to wear shoes, always make sure that they do not have shoe laces, you could accidentally choke another with those very laces, so go for Velcro. Also make sure you shoes do something amazing, like glow in the dark or have Carrot Top logo on them.

Necks are beautiful and for the most part people do not 'show-hoff' their jugular. That's why the popular trend of long necking is being imported from Africa. This has been a trend in Africa for years and once you start yourself you will not want to quit, because you will die if you do. But mainly you'll be so damn sexuy.

Ace Bandage is the only way to keep your life on track, wrap your entire upper torso. especially around the area that twitches. This will give you an edge in any situation, even when someone you know gets stabbed! Now put a shirt on over the bandages and smile because you know that you cannot time travel.

Pants are not necessary (just like shoes) but it is a nice luxury. Make sure to get lots of pockets in your pants because you'll never know when you could get cluster pocket (an epidemic).


And now some of my friends who have been changed forever by my words on fashion:


















And remember never use a mirror.

Let's have a B.L.A.S.T. !!!!

Dear Jesus,
Firstly I thank you and for the over abundance of pigs that you have made, and leading me to Safeway for that awe inspiring Safeway discount, BUY ONE GET TWO FREE on bacon! I doubted you existed, I mean I have been writing you for months and all I get back from you is forwarded E-mails. I mean who is JesusGod@gmail.com really? Anyways with that three whole pounds of Bacon, I was able to create the PERFECT SANDWICH!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
2 strips of Bacon
1 leaf of Lettuce
1 Avocado (or half depending on size)
a pinch of Sprouts
a slice of Tomato
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Put it all between two pieces of bread and put some mayo on it if you so desire and you got a B.L.A.S.T.. Null and Lull, baby! Alright, back to the letters and tell Winona Ryder I expect great thing from her, I just saw Alien Resurrection, man....JACK OUT

New Ideas for Old Problems

Many men