Let's have a B.L.A.S.T. !!!!

Dear Jesus,
Firstly I thank you and for the over abundance of pigs that you have made, and leading me to Safeway for that awe inspiring Safeway discount, BUY ONE GET TWO FREE on bacon! I doubted you existed, I mean I have been writing you for months and all I get back from you is forwarded E-mails. I mean who is JesusGod@gmail.com really? Anyways with that three whole pounds of Bacon, I was able to create the PERFECT SANDWICH!

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
2 strips of Bacon
1 leaf of Lettuce
1 Avocado (or half depending on size)
a pinch of Sprouts
a slice of Tomato
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


Put it all between two pieces of bread and put some mayo on it if you so desire and you got a B.L.A.S.T.. Null and Lull, baby! Alright, back to the letters and tell Winona Ryder I expect great thing from her, I just saw Alien Resurrection, man....JACK OUT

New Ideas for Old Problems

Many men

Dress For Success

Lately my blog fans have been asking me, "Hey LimblessJack, what kind of pajamas do you wear to bed?"
My response is always the same, "I don't wear Pansy Pajamas son, I dress for success IN BED!" That's right, I wear doctor scrubs to bed. You never know when you're in the dreamland and in the land of the awaken-ed doing S.W.S. (Sleep-Walking Surgery). But what if you don't live near those hospitable hospital, have you ever thought of wearing a business suit to bed? If you haven't then you haven't been thinking. You could be out there para-legalizing, secretarialing or Jehovah's witnessing, completely ignorant of the great civic service you are doing for your community. One of my friends dresses up in army uniform before he hits the sack, I assume he fights the good fight all the while getting a good night sleep. (no one in his immediate neighborhood has died).


In China it seems that you must have awesome space shoes to sleep walk, I suggest following suit and getting some space shoes, cause flying makes travel easier in your sleep. Avoid wear LA or DA when going to bed though.

Ladies?

Meet James J. Bulger:

I'm handsome, sophisticated and athletic. Jimmy, as my friends call me, is also wealthy and is a world traveler. I own houses in several countries, including Mexico, Italy and Columbia. I have bright blue eyes and currently have a mustache. So ladies, if you like long walks on the beach, and talking history until late into the night, I am yours to keep.


For more information and to get in contact with me: Click Here.
(please send a picture if you reply, so I can match a face to the name)

Listen Music Man

I know you have had your fun lately, shutting down two large bit torrent sites: Oink and Demoniod. Congratulations, but we both know you can't stop the downloading. Oink alone has dozens of copy sites popping up over the net with its recent execution. You try and embrace the change, but you can't let go. You realize now big music companies that you are just pimps. When the government put implementations on prostitution, this lead to pimps coming to protect prostitutes from the law. Before pimps, prostitution was just a job young girls did when they or their families were in dire straights. When prostitution became a problem in England in the 1880's, the government passed laws against prostitution, pimps came along. (Ironically, it was Jack the Ripper killing prostitutes which lead to the ban).

So, music labels, when did you become a pimp? Most musicians make no money on their albums, all their album money goes to the Companies, the musician may get about 20 cents a CD. Musicians make their money off the concerts and thats what keeps them touring.

Large music corporations are the middle man and we don't need that in capitalist country. They push music on us, that they think everyone will like. They push music that tests well. Just push music pimps to the curb; download music...lots and lots of music. These companies will not be stopped anytime soon or maybe never. Virgin Inc. alone has way too much diversification to be stopped in the music world, but it is worth a try to bring the down a few notches. As it is, they have proven that downloading music is not the cause of recent loss in shares, it is the fact that the music industry was on the quarterly stock market system, so they were putting hits out to correspond to the stock market. They no longer cared about the product, just getting it out there and sold.

Pirates!

The Bush Man Diet

Manny's is a believer in the Peyote Religion. Followers of this religion believe that the drug holds special spiritual powers and thus use it to show the user his future path. Manny's Bush Man Diet or Hunter/Warrior Diet thus incorporates it. Manny proclaimed that after a month of staying on his rigorous diet one will no longer be lazy, lose weight, and "cure" any homosexual.

• The first and most important (as expressed from his previous letter) is a clean water supply. The only clean (un-chlorinated) water source in Santa Cruz is all the way up in Bendlomen behind a large warehouse. There you can find a facet that you should use for everything that you use water for.
• everything certified organic by C.C.O.F. or similar N.G.O.

Now I will let Manny's Manuscript take over.

11-13-01

6am waking up, lay, think "why." Snort teaspoon clean salt H20

• 1/2 cup good, clean water, only
• pee time, urinate
• 1/2 cup mixed dried frruit
• teaspoon honey, teaspoon balsalmic (grape) vinegar, teaspoon beepollen, vitamin C--500milligrams or 1/2 orange or 1/2 lime
• rinse mouth, spit and shit

8-10am work
10-11am sit silently
11-12am lay down on back awake
12-4pm walk quietly
4pm 1/2 cup good clean water, urinate while bending knees (third and last pee)
free till 5pm to talk. Snort teaspoon clean salt water.
5pm grain meal -- 1 cup mixed grains, 250 milligrams niacin, B3

• 1/2 cup mixed nuts or bread and tahini

6-7om alk and prepare veggie meal of mixed root and breen vegetables steamed in good clean water, drink 1/2 cup veggie broth before eating veggies. one tablet veg. derived anti-oxident multi-vitamins.
Four consecutive nights. No meat, for protein eat one egg or tbsp spirolina or 1 cup plain, no fat yogurt. (all these items ORGANIC CERTIFIED C.C.O.F. or similar)

Fifth night- 1 cup wild, hunted or organic store bought meat

after six months of bush diet, one may begin sorcery practice of wake all night by firelight with psychedelics on fifth night only.

• Store sexual energy with tantric sex or abstinence from orgasm
• avoid stress from discussing personal history, decreasing egoism
• no sleeping during daylight
• no peeing at night, wait till 6am
• no driving, no operation heavy machinery
• no jarring body with hand tools, no over-exertion, avoid exhaustion
• no discussing or pondering alone fear fantasies, stay alert to present moment.
• no vice - mota smota. tobacco, coffee, sweets, alcohol, mind altering, prescribed or illicit.
• no employment, exposure to chemicals, avoid pollution and polluting.

Editors note: I have smelled alcohol on someones breath but never pot...touché manny, touché.

Dog Politics (what every human should know)

Talking Dog Politics: Part 3

Last week we discussed sniffing do's and donuts, this week posture and discussion topics. Never show your fangs during a dog debate, always look interested, as previously discussed, try to smell their butt or just keep your tail up. Crossing arms is ok but never cross your legs, it is taken as an obvious superiority of humans. It is ok to bite/tackle/bark while the other is barking.

Now that we have basic postures down, lets discuss woof poli-science. When starting a political discussion location is very important. If you are able to get to the other dog, just walk up and sniff butt, then start after both parties are satisfied you can began the discussion. If you are trapped inside a car, house, or just leashed, yell out your political views at the other canines.

Popular topics to discuss: are we slaves or gods? Are cats bitches or what and where can we get those sharp pussy hands? Peanut butter: friend or foe? Did you smell that? What I have humped today! What are social and economic repercussions of retrieving?


Next week, Part 4: when to hump during a political discussion. and special insight, which dog food is the best and why it's not cat food. Special recognition to Ednal for her outstanding achievements.

A regular customer

Manny is a regular at my place of work, about 55 years old and he hasn't got all the marbles in his head. He gave me his manuscript today after telling me his diet, this is an excerpt from that manuscript.

9/24/00

Dear Judge Kelsey of Superior Court -- Santa Cruz County, State of California, U.S.A.,

I want to thank you for the survival act claus that is protecting me from being searched by law enforcement for guns or marijuana during this past year; nothing has been confiscated. Thankyou for telling the State Park Ranger Mike Rominger and others to let me stay in the park for the earthquake!

I have grown a small crop of marijuana for personal, medical smoke. It was grown in virgin park soil, unamended, except for maple tree mulch, hand watered with near-by spring water. It did not make it to maturity; as soon as one inch buds had formed, the main crop was stolen. Worst, what was left and tested unconsumable due to acid rain/fog and accumulated pollutions in the soil. I gave it all away and will not smoke pot grown from year 2000; only aged marijuana is consummable.

No one has talked to me from your department regarding the false charge, felony, of marijuana cultivation "for Sales" in June of 1997. The reality was that I was growing marijuana for personal, medical use following the 7 passage of Proposition 215, legalizing it for medical (pain control and digestion/assimilation of food) use in California. Now that my probation is over I am again a registered voter ( I voted for both you and Prop 215 in 1996), but it's now illegal for me to own a firearm or hunt in the United States because of the false charges of marijuana cultivation "for Sales". I was given my knives back thanks to The Survival Act, but with no ability to hunt legally with a fire-arm puts me in danger of law enforcement and bounty hunters or land owners. Due to my pesticide-free diet and Peyote Religion only unpolluted wild meat is edible and I'm not a vegetarian.

I was made knon to me over theyears, by members of your department, no to run away or leave town, that "we will help you in the end". At another meeting my Star of David knife was taken and I was told it would be "in your locker along with the keys to the tombs.". Buzz Car (sp?) in cell block one was taken aside by your departmet (Justice)and was told to tell me that some day after a big earthquake, [Manny] will be working for the Justice Department with access to all the confiscated, warehoused marijuana for distributiong to prevent violence because it was panda-monium due to crop failure following containment failure of the nuclear powerplants caused by massive earthquakes caused by severe weather/temperature changes casued by too many people driving too many caurs under an ozone-depleted sky. Buzz Car

Iwa I want my charges dropped in closed court. I Court Fees and probqation fees totalling in $4,000.00 I want reimoursed and I can forget the pound of pot I grew that was confiscated. I'm planning and arranging an accurate environmental report for network TV proving immenent crop failure. If you wish to talk to me about this and my false charges, see you soon in closed court. I repeat, I don't grow pot for sale.

Sincerely,
[hand signed]

Letters from a Foriegn Affairs Deputy

In April of 1919, Germany was in tatters from World War I. After assassinating the local governor of the German province, Bavaria. The Bavarian Soviet Republic or Munich Soviet Republic declared it's independence. The movement was consisted mainly of communists and anarchists, the most famous and leader of the bunch was Ernst Toller, a play writer and poet. The Republic only lasted a couple of weeks before Germany's national army put down the rebellion. Ernst Toller appointed Franz Lipp as Foreign Affairs Deputy of the Bavarian Soviet Republic, these are his letters...

April 7th, 1919

Dear Comrade Pope [Benedict XV],

How is Rome, my comrade? It must be very nice right now, spring is one my favorite times in Munich. You must come see the flowers bloom, my good friend. Also please bless our Red Army victorious in war. Finally, YOU have taken the ministry's key to the lavatory, please return it! Consider this an ultimatum and return the key immediately.


Sincerely your comrade and good friend,

Foreign Affairs Deputy
Franz Lipp

The next letter was sent to the governments of Wuttemburg and Switzerland.

April 15th, 1919

You dirty dogs how dare you refuse to loan us 60 locomotives! The Bavarian Republic has declared war on you, expect no mercy from the Red Army. I am certain we will be victorious.

Foreign Affairs Deputy
Franz Lipp

This letter is a reply to Vladimir Lenin's Letter of Greetings.

April 29th, 1919

Dear Comrade Vladimir Lenin,

Thank you for your support, but it has come to the attention of the Foreign Affairs Deputy that the fugitive Hoffmann has taken the keys to ministry's toilet with him to Moscow. Please respond as soon as possible.

Best wishes,

Foreign Affairs Deputy
Franz Lipp

The Man

In recent times I have had to deal with people...well ever since my parents took me away from my pack. So now that I have accustomed myself to the urbanized I wonder: Why is the Man all in my face. The Man can be in many forms but the most common and where I will start is Law/Government.

In Arizona, land of little water and the nocturnal lifestyle...smells dusty, there was a recent series of events. Firstly, a small local paper, The New Times, printed the address of a sheriff they thought was corrupt. The cop retaliated by arresting the owners of the New Times. Then the Arizona Republic decided to rebuttal by saying that finding address information was easy and put up the District Attorney's home address on their website(taken down). The DA was spear-heading the arrests, when the Republic attacked him, he immediately cried out to the media that reporters have no right to be giving away officials privacy away(even though the information is easily obtainable online). And then after all his complaining, he puts up his blog the address's of the owners of the AZ Republic.
How can the Man be so stupid? Everyone's address is on the internet, the Republic was pointing this out. Also arresting journalists? Maziltov son!

PART 2 (Work)

I recently started a job...they offered to pay...me...for bitch work at minimum wage, its a real shame that I graduated college. Since I get to bag other peoples groceries, which could probably be done by anyone with the IQ of 12. Not that I am on some high horse, it is just that I have worked my way up the bitch jobs: Paramount Kings Island, Burger King, Long's Drugs etc. To have to go back to the last in line is retarded. I have no motivation to work somewhere where I have to clean the bathrooms every 2 hours. My pack would be so ashamed (see). So my job sucks, (everyone complains about it, SO WHAT). I know, I know, I need to solve my job situation:

#1. Move back into the Forest. Gonna be hard though, I really like showers.

#2. Get Stabbed, my Safeway has plenty of vagrants, then I could sue Safeway. The only problem is I would have to wait months before I can win the court case and I would have to take one for the team. (Side Note: I spent a lot of time thinking about all likely situations and stabbing is by far the most likely.)

#3. Quit. This would be annoying since I did so much just to start working, it would be copping out, then I would be no better than the Man.

#4. Arson. No downside, everyone loves a good fire (e.g. Burning Man)

The Man controls Safeway, not only does it tell Safeway what they cannot do, but Safeway starts to follow the Man's example. They create an atmosphere of paranoia and fear. Every 15 minutes I am supposed to swipe my card to prove that I have been doing my rounds. Also they hire secret shoppers, who come into the store at least once a week and grade us on our performance. And if we do badly, we get the ax. I don't bend, I will slaughter them like a wolf among sheep!

Notes: Safeway smells like a refrigerator, with the faint smell of produce. The temperature is cooler than most, but comfortable to me. Florescent lights make me go crazy. The water tastes like blood, is it mind-control fluids or just their way of making equal opportunity to vampires?

Applying

Denis is dressed in khakis and short sleeve button up shirt with a tie, all look cheap and it looks unnatural on his scrawny body. Kyle, the Denny’s manager, is in the manager attire and his nametag clearly visible looking at Denis’s application. Kyle is a very heavyset man in his mid 40s.

Kyle
So it seems like everything is in order, but you seemed to have misspelled your name.

Denis
Oh, no that’s how it’s spelled, Den-is.

Kyle
Well it looks like Pen-is.
[Close-up of application]

Kyle
Do you go by your middle name?

Denis
No my parents didn’t give me one.

Kyle
Why not?

Denis
Cause they thought it would be too elitist.

Kyle
Are you trying to hide your Royalty?

Denis
No! Never, we are just working class, proud to be proletariat.

Kyle
Well OK Denis, It seems like we are done here. Welcome to the Denny’s family, pretty soon we will all be calling you Denny D. (chuckles)

Kyle shows Denis around, showing various items including a very nice blender from the 1950’s. This blender will become the most important thing in Denis’s life.

Showers are your Friend: an Educational Blog

Recently I have been getting a lot of comments on my showering habits (like showering 7 times a day is a crime), and it is obvious to me that they are in the wrong. Here are a few key points on showering.

--How to Shower--
1. Turn on the water in the shower area (make sure it is the right temperature)
2. Enter the shower room
3. Become wet (just let the water remove the icky)
4. Now the fun begins, Experiment with different type of showers (I will explain personal favorites later). Most commonly people use soap and shampoo, make these items your best shower buddy. Showering should be a pleasant experience, never do anything in a shower that your not comfortably. (personally I am not a big fan of yoga showering)
5. Rinse all cleansing products from your body.
6. When you feel ready (which is never for me) exit the shower.

--Notes on Showering--
~Sleeping in showers is a great way to keep clean and catch up on needed Zzz's.
~Never run in showers.
~Electronics are a NO! Remember what Abel said to Cain "Don't put that there"
~Take into consideration what foods are water-proof so to speak, Cantaloupe good, Sandwich bad!
~Peeing in the shower is considered by some to be a major faux-pas, when showering with others be courteous and don't do it.
~Remember to remove your clothes before showering.if you don't own an iron leave your clothes in the bathroom while you shower, it will steam press them.
~Do not try to use fireworks in the shower, it is a waste.
~Not showering everyday is barbaric. Make it a daily habit!

--Types of Showers--

Jamaican Shower- Usually refers to taking a shower while taking pot, but one can take other types of mind expanding narcotics.

Hooker Shower- Coined by the famous comedian George Carlin, it refers to a quick shower where one cleans only three parts of the body: Crotch, Ass and Armpits. Editors note, only do under extreme circumstances!

Shower Orgy- My personal favorite, It is where the showeree enters into continual showers over the course of a day. I usually do this on weekends, entering into shower intercourse about 7 times a day.

--In next weeks edition on showering, Bleach: clean that dirt off right, Steel wool sponge makes the best washcloth!, and of course Q and A- L Jack answers readers questions.