Gilroy police look for homeless man accused of attack with sword

Gilroy police are looking for a 52-year-old homeless man who they say attacked a homeless Kevin Costner look-a-like with a sword. If you see a homeless man with a sword, keep your distance and contact the authorities. The Kevin Costner look-a-like could not be reached for comment.

Similar attacks are happening all across the US.

W. Of Orange

Well, I haven't been honest with you, my closest friends, I have a love...an addiction...to Orange! I am sorry for keeping secrets from you internet, I promise to keep telling you everything. Now, I didn't notice my addiction until I moved out from under my parents reign. The Orange, it calls to me and I say yes every time. Then I eat it. So there you have it, a direct connection between, color, love and food! I have just solved life's major mystery. So without any further ado, my eating habits in no particular order and a list of Orange Citrus Fruits:

• Mac and Cheese (Kraft only)
  
• American Cheese
• Cantaloupe
• Cheetos
  
• Oranges (currently eating 5 a day)

 Navel Orange - is a lovely orange color, delicious, easily peeled, seedless fruit. It is produced by this medium sized tree and recognized as one of the sweetest oranges ever developed. The tree offers fragrant flowers in spring and beautiful foliage year round. Note: stole some from a neighbors tree on vacation at a friends...be sneaky my friends!

Valencia Orange - Juice anyone?  These oranges are known for their flavorful and colorful juice. Natives of Florida, this fruit has a higher content of vitamin A compared with other citruses.

Mineola Tangerine- A new favorite, these have taken the world by storm.  They are a cross between a Tangerine and a grapefruit. There are actually several types of mixes between a tangerine and other citrus.

Mandarin Orange-  These have a pleasant enough flavor, but their big asset is that they come out of their peels and segment easily, so you can eat them in your good clothes (Tuxedo T-shirt).  Varieties include the popular tangerine, the seedy but juicy Honey Tangerine or Murcott, the Satsuma Orange, the sweet and tiny Clementine Orange, and the seedy and orange-flavored Temple Orange.  Personally the easiest to carry around and eat. I take these to bars and trade the bartender for a beer (aka use them for a "tip").









 Fun Facts/Traditions From Wikipedia

• Orange trees are a symbol of love and marriage in many cultures. Oranges are sometimes found in Renaissance paintings of married couples. One of the most famous is Jan van Eyck's "Wedding Portrait of the Arnolfini".
• Brides traditionally wear orange blossoms in their hair or carry them in their bouquet at their wedding. Orange blossoms are often part of the decoration on a wedding cake.
• Queen Victoria was given a coronet of gold and enamel orange blossoms by her husband Albert. When their children were born, he had a jeweller add tiny green oranges to the coronet.
• If an orange is peeled with a knife, it is possible to cut the peel off in one long unbroken piece. 
• Schoolgirls in some countries chant a rhyme, and throw the long orange peel over their shoulder, then look at how it falls to find the initial letter of the name of the boy that loves them.
• In some countries, "blood oranges" are seen as a symbol of the death of Jesus.
• In some European countries, a "Christingle" is a Christmas decoration using an orange and a candle to symbolise Jesus' love for the world.
• In cold countries, when fruit was scarce, an orange was often given at Christmas. In England, it was traditional to stuff the toe of a child's Christmas stocking with raisins, almonds and oranges.
• Oranges are sometimes used to make a sweet-smelling "pomander" to perfume a room. This is done by sticking the stalks of cloves into an orange, and allowing the orange to dry out.
• Orange jam is called "Marmalade". Traditionally, it is said to have been first made for Mary Queen of Scots or Marie Antoinette when they were sick. Neither of these stories is true, as marmalade was made in Portugal for many years before either of them was born.The term "marmalade", originally meaning a quince jam ("marmelada" in Portuguese), derives from the Portuguese word for this fruit marmelo.

World Cup 2010: South Africa

Well it is that time again! The groups have been chosen and now is the time for you to choose the winner. Will you pick the safe bet? Your home team? That one team with that hot dude?

So lets get down to brass tacks:

• You can only enter the pool once.
• It is $10.00 per person.
  
• The deadline is June 9th, 2010. 

 I know your thinking that man that seems like its really really far away, but I want to get everyone involved. So get your Hamilton's out and lets get this party moving. Without any further ado, here is the PDF file for the World Cup 2010. Fill it out and send it back with $10 bucks and you'll be set.

Could it be, Could it be?

Bar Bathroom	The wall breathed	11/04/09	Alone
Running at Night	Saw strange thing scurry by my feet	11/07/09	Alone
Work Bathroom	Saw a baby snake crawling up my shirt	11/10/09	Alone

H1Are you sick?N1
Doodoo butter is on the rise...
BirdCan I drool in your hair?Swine
It must be that conesgoo...
Mon Petite chou,
I think you have the Flu.

DIY: Man Corsets/Back Brace

Are in lower back pain or do you have a gut that won't quit guys? Are you too afraid to go to the store and pick up a woman's corset? Well listen up pussy, I have the solution for you, a simple and easy to make Homemade Man Corset(back brace to your friends).

The word TAPE capitalized looks retarded.

Toonces: His Story

Toonces was born on May 20th,  1983 with 7 other brothers and sisters. Many said he was different from the litter; he liked to do things that he wasn't very good at. At age 3 months and a half, Toonces decided to go a different route, he joined the Air Force to fight in the Grenada Conflict.

Toonces was dishonorably discharged for reckless behavior after only 2 months of service. He returned to the states and became a house cat, but he had shell shock and couldn't shake it. He turned to driving: recklessly. This caught the attention of Lorne Micheals, producer of the late night show, Saturday Night Live. Toonces was an instant hit, his skits were one of the few that were actually funny on the show during that time. But Toonces wanted to branch out, he was tired of being just the butt of jokes, but he had become type cast. He turned to drugs, drinking and driving. Those who knew him by the end say it was the cat nip that really did him in and yellow walls.

Toonces plays table tennis

David | MySpace Video

Exercise and The Night Walker

Devoted fans, I would like to turn your attention to a very special guest we have dwelling on the other side of my brain. He is not much for words, we don't actually know his name, but he is known as the Night Walker. One of his favorite activities is walking at night. The Night Walker would like to explain the ways he thinks everyone should exercise, but he is a drunk so Jack will paraphrase.

...Now fill the flask with a hard liquor and wait for dark because light hurts. Go to the bars, you must walk and preferably in a bad neighborhood. Drink as much as you can until the bars close. Now get home as fast as you can without anything but your own two feet. The people you will see will defiantly keep you motivated. Keep mind that breathing is important, so do it as little as possible (always have to be prepared for an unexpected choking).

If you're not into the whole running home from bars, there is another way. Locate yourself. Then find where the Minotaur lives (he's like a mean Richard Simmons, with the same outfit). And I know what you ladies are thinking, men only face Minotaurs, what can us women folk do? Well I have the answer, just like the Minotaur's mom, Pasiphaë, you can have sex with a bull. You will need someone to build you a cow outfit. The cow outfit will work your upper body, while the bull will work your lower...consult a doctor about being mounted by a bull before you take on this endeavor...ehhh?

Out of the Closet

Who is to judge? The closet holds all your clothes, but where are your dreams and ambitions? How can you focus on your dreams and aspirations everyday when you're bogged down with a 9-5 job? Easy! Just fill your closet with pictures of what you want! In my case it's world domination (with a side of traveling). Follow my lead (you'll be forced to eventually) and build your dreams in your closet or for the kids in your locker. As the imaginary friend in my stomach always tells me, "Dress for success before you go to sleep and pick a color from 1 to 10, CLOSET!"

Edit: Yes I only wear wetsuits...Nothing wrong with that!

LET US PLAY...

Welcome folks to the game show that is taking the country by storm! We would to thank everyone who has been supporting our show and a special shout out to Harold for all his contributions.  So for those of you who don't know how this game works, it's very simple, we will show three wounds. And you will have to....

GUESS                  THAT                  WOUND!!!

This first picture is an easy one folks. Our judges are waiting by for your call. If you can correctly guess the cause of this injury, you can move onto the next and closer to that 100 million!

Ahhhh-lright viewers it looks like it is a lil more challenging this time around, keep in mind that you only get one guess when you call in.

And there you have it folks, the last picture! Can you....GUESS    THAT    WOUND?  From all of us at Guess That Wound, we would like to thank you for watching and join us next week when the winners from this round compete head to head for that $100 million prize!

Halloween

Halloween is just around the corner and in honour (I did it the British spelling because I believe it has more weight that way) I have changed my blog to a ghoulish orange.  And I would like to give a shout out to all my loyal fans who have been sending me their pictures trying to get up on Limbless's blog and for your hard work I will put a few of the standouts (aka da tree).

Mike69nutz sent this in and I have to give him kudos for the hard work that he did with the posters in the background. "I really wanted to show people that your weaker arm could be made into something better than just a killer, a proficient killer."

Bears41ife has been sending me emails and pictures for a solid year now, I appreciate the clothed ones. Anyways I think time travel as a cabana boy would be enlightening.

2hawt4u sent this very hot and most obviously current picture of herself as roller girl from the movie Boogie Nights. "I just really wanted to be in the past, so I went all the way back to 1997. And choose that movie cause William Macy is sooo soo hawt."

And the winner of the contest is: Kugarz22, "I just wanted to be like so da bomb. I went vintage, you know, I wanted to be Rocky...but it is so uncool to be a lady and not be sexy on Halloween. So I added Adrian and Dolly Parton to spice up the custom." What a mosaic,  huh guys? Sooo bomb diggity. wurd.








I would like to thank all that participated and those who haven't just yet, keep those photos coming. I would also like to state (again) please do not send me time sensitive material, because as it is I forgot what year it was yesterday and I can barely hold onto the days of the week, let alone whats going.

Stranger

I mean you should be able to trust someone that close to you, but it just a loose cannon. I mean it's like they are perpetually wasted. I know, I know this is an old topic, the Right versus the Left. What does it matter what side you're on; we all have the same problem. Your weak arm is going to get you killed.  It would never be able to throw away something potentially dangerous to your body...like a bomb. Also it twitches uncontrollably all the time and that cannot be good in life and death situations, such as a duel.  And lets not even think if you need to pull yourself up from a cliff with your lesser arm. Personally, I say cut it off and end the battle of the Right vs. the Left and show everyone you are determined to take the power back.

Nomads OK

Ehh, I would like to thank everyone that is now contributing to my life style, What up bitches I'm on unemployment and now I have an inkling about crack...the waiting around for the next score. To curb my jitters, I am sending to you guys some good ole 90's rock band. They used to have a site where you could just take the music down yourself, but sadly it seems to have been taken down. So I'm putting it back out there! Enjoy it on your way to work suckers...

Trouble A-Head

It was cold out, the wind was blowing out from the east. My companions couldn’t keep up. I fear soon we will run out of food, I will have to kill one in their sleep and convince the others to eat him. After my trip to Wal-Mart ended, lets just say things got a little weird.

Jacklitos!

Dearest Readers,

My Jacklitos, how are you? Ha Ha, Great! Well now we are good friends eh? Splendid! So here we are....you know what I am getting at. If someone rapes a prostitute is it stealing? Untor!! Moving on, we are such good friends now, I think of you as my lil litos, my figurative children, but I have reached a rough patch. I need a surgery so I can get better, and you want me to get better, don't you? See (a pun in the future, you can laugh later) I have been betrayed by myself, my organs of sight, they are trying to have me killed. You know what my dear friends, the insurance company consider it an "elective surgery." I know what an outrage! So this is where we are, please my Jacklitos, I need to see, the rest of my body depends upon it. So give me a call my friends: 1-800-510-6763. Day or night my litos!

My life is in your hands.

Cheez-It Sandwich

I had not done this in a long time, I stepped off the sidewalk. The soft wet bristles met my size thirteens and there was rejoice. The soft earth was an old friend-Why weren't the homeless interested? I looked to the sky, lights swimming like tiny fish, frantic and crowded. I need to release my arm: I think it is time for a Cheez-It Sandwich!

"When life just is not going to plan, grab a Cheez-it Sandwich!"

Fired...The Sequel

Looks like my week away lead to a longer than expected holiday.

Again I am unemployed and trying to bum a job from a friend. It was a classy break though, he told me "he had found someone else" and that "he had to let me go." "It's not me it's you" I whispered back. Airports eh? Gonna go cash this check and move on in the world of service.

Geezers Need Excitement

I got employed for another retail job. I work with people, "You know Wade, we have hired 4 other people for this position." I guess I don't need to work so hard is what the owner is trying telling me. They fired the last guy they trained, the co-workers sometimes call me by his name(he is hated). I try to relate to my comrades, (blank stares) "...Was that a joke?" uhh, it was.

The logical conclusion is that this is a reality show, where they take a bunch of 20 something's and force them to all compete against each other for a single minimum wage job. They must form alliances, build in roads and remember to "up-sale." Geezers Need Excitement.

Paris Milton

A young lady famous for being slutty and inubriated (Paris Hilton) accidentally stumbles upon a time travel machine and is sent to 1651 London, England. There is an altercation when she arrives: her body melds with famous poet, polemicist and author John Milton. Now Paris Milton must travel through time to figure out how to reverse the body meld. Watch as this modern day odd couple tries to cope with fashion, religion and high school through out time!

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." -Robert Benchley
"It is the must see gender bender show of the year" -New York Time
"Bill and Ted just got a sexy overhaul" -Skittles


3am on UPN every Sunday night.

Shave Years off Your Life!

Since the modern age, man has been trying to keep themselves looking young. Well the answer has been right under our noses the whole time! We don't need to waste heaps of money on dangerous and permanent procedures. Our best friends, dogs and cats, have been aging gracefully and with the help from LimJa Inc., you can too! But don't take our word, look at our happy and successful test subject:

OMG The Wrinkles are GONE!


Sign up to become a test subject today!

NOTE: Do not have kids present when searching for "furry human face" on google...

The Gray Catbird

Named for its cat like "mew" it cries when it feels threatened, but it has the most beautiful singing voice. George Harrison states that the catbird sounds like it "Sings Chinese." The songs are to attract female into the dark shrubbery that the males reside in.
A relative of the mocking bird, which would explain the odd noises of the catbird. The catbird is of medium-sized bird, with a black cap and dark red under tail.
Their nests are built low to the ground in dark recesses of a shrub with twigs, vines and leaves. The female will lay 4 blue eggs into their concealed nest.

How to Attract:

• Grow shrubberies, vines and fruit plants
• Sugar water
• Water (bird bath)
• Insects
• Brush piles

Next Week:
We will look at the Tufted Titmouse...Mmmmmmmmmmmmm Ok

BAM-ber Alert

Dear Readers,
I care! I care so much that I am gonna blow those saps at Missing Children and Amber Alert out of the water. I mean are these guys really trying? Alright Venture Capitalists, I got a start up for your check books. We start a non-profit that finally updates the missing persons business. So what is the problem with the current system you ask? It does not utilize mind association, unless they want us to think that it was our local mailman or liquor store attendant.

The solution? Put these kids pictures on things that will make us associate with kidnappers.

We Will:

• Put the missing picture on foreclosed houses. I feel that the general population assoiciates kidnappers with poorly taken care of homes. I know I do.
• Get the pictures on vans, such as the vans that service people, like a plumbers van or electrician's. These vans are constantly moving around and they are also used by kidnappers.
• Finally missing people pictures on tshirts, and with the courts help, pedophiles and kidnappers will be mandated to wear it at least once a week for a set time. This will have people really associating the napper and the nappee.
  

And I know what you are thinking, Does he have experience? These are my prior projects, I think this will change your mind. BAM-ber Alert!

Chinatown Revisited

Chinatown has some all time classics that few visitors would know about unless they knew where to look. I have searched high and low for all the best movies Chinatownwood has to offer.

Sex & Chopsticks (2008)

Rich scholar Simon Qing (Lam Wai Kin) has yet to lose his virginity despite being schooled in the art of love by his virile father (Norman Tsui Siu Keung). All that changes when he meets first love Violetta (Uehara Kaera), who introduces Simon to manhood through many encounters and even more positions. However, their multiple trysts fail to create a lasting love. Heartbroken, Simon takes to the road, where he meets a new woman, inexperienced nun Moon (Wakana Hikaru), who abandons her chaste ways to learn all about carnal pleasure from Simon. But even after marrying Moon, Simon is not satisfied, and his morality slowly erodes in favor of his boundless lust. He soon falls for Golden Lotus (Hayakawa Serina), who charms him with her natural beauty and small bound feet. Golden Lotus is married to ugly merchant Wu Da Lang (Ng Chi Hung), but even the covenant of marriage is no obstacle to Simon. Together, he and Golden Lotus plot Da Lang's murder, so that she can join Simon's growing harem of wives.

Cholos: La Ley Del Barrio (2003)

"The Tank," the leader of a group of gangsters, is a violent delinquent without scruples,hated by everyone in the community. He and his gang of thugs make their money charging local merchants a monthly fee for protection. But now "the Pork", his archenemy and a rival gang leader, wants a piece of the action and tries to take over his enemy's profitable territory. The violent gang war that erupts leaves in its bloody path of destruction many dead bodies.

Sudden Vanished (2003)

Some undefined and can't even explain by Scientifics' cases, those cases will be transfer to File-X. Officer, Sam was interested to these cases, but since the authority problem, he can't investigate those cases.Then Sam and Judy was found the Sky Eye Lab, in the first day of the Lab, a mystery person come in and left a case and a lump sum of fund. After they went thought the case, they found that is related to UFO organization and End of the World...

Rape Trap (1998)

Fleeing from Shenzhen police on a motorcycle, Li Shan-shan (Choi) loses control of the bike and goes off an embankment into the ocean. She washes ashore some time later with amnesia, is taken to prison, and sentenced to hang. Flashbacks show how Shan-shan's boyfriend, Liang Chun-hwa (Michael Tse Tin-wah), convinces her to participate in a scheme with Ted Hwang (Anthony Wong Chau-sang). The latter's father has recently died and left him with a large sum of money but Ted can only collect it if he is married. Teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, Ted offers Shan-shan $600,000 if she will agree to be his wife, a plan that Chun-hwa heartily endorses, as he wants the money to open a restaurant. While taking a physical in preparation for the wedding, Ted and Shan-shan learn that they share the same rare "HR" blood type. They sign the necessary forms but Chun-hwa clearly has trouble dealing with the situation. Ted and Shan-shan then meet with solicitor Chen Chi-pang (Chan Kin-pang), who gives Ted the document he must endorse to get his father's estate.
Not surprisingly, Ted has other plans for this business deal, slipping a drug into Shan-shan's drink and then raping her. He also takes compromising pictures of the woman and threatens to show them to Chun-hwa unless she continues to be his sexual plaything. When Shan-shan and Chun-hwa confront Ted, a scuffle ensues and the blackmailer is stabbed. Thinking that they have killed him, the couple flee the scene but Chun-hwa sees a way out: if Shan-shan consents to a blood transfusion for Ted, it will save his life. He is the only hope they have to prove their blackmail story and, even if he does pull through, there is no guarantee that Ted will tell the authorities the truth. Meanwhile, Chen has taken an interest in the case and, with the aid of his foster father (Eddy Ko Hung), does what he can to help Shan-shan out of this mess.

The Recession and You

The Depression 2.0 is upon us and it seems no one can get a job or keep one for that matter. People are looking everywhere for extra cash and finally they turned to the web 2.0. My dearest readers have been sending in tons of letters, asking me to solve this problem and I have finally come up with a solution(2.0). A friend told me, "You can make more money by just marrying a person than working everyday of your life." T'is true, that is why I am starting a school, The Cabana Boy Institute (CBI).

As a Cabana Boy, I find that you will need Six basic things:

1. A Pool
   
2. Sun Screen
3. Banana Hammock
4. Aloe Vera (extra large tube)
   
5. An Accent
6. Raid
   

Pretty standard stuff and self explanatory. Edit: It seems people don't see the necessary applications of Raid as a pool boy. There are a ton of rodents in the area and as I always say, "Let the Raid do the touchin'."

For those female who are also hit by these rough times, get pregnant. It is the easiest way to get financially secure. I mean just look around you lately, don't you see a bunch of new babies or preggers ladies? Take a hint women.

Next Week: How do you get that women with a skimmer net and a marble bag? Also where not to spray and finally choosing the right accent for you.

The War on Cynicism

The Anti-Cynics logo.

It seems that there are some botards out there, telling me that I am dumb for being cynical. How dare they call a war against my Cynicism (and all other cynics)? I think its time to rally people, use that sarcasm to the point where it seems like you cannot be trusted. Convert others to this (pointless) cause. Show them the way! Attack positive countries, like Brazil and Canada (man we are surrounded...That's the Attitude..uh oh). I mean the Greeks came up with Cynicism and although is has no bearing on what the word means now, we should up hold what they started. How can we lose? The dark side always wins, always drags the other side down to their level.

If you need further help, watch this educational video and write your thoughts down about it.

Major Tom? Are you There?

The campsite had become a mess from all the commotion, but it was now desolate. The makeshift gauze pads were soaked in blood, crusty. For two days, the little boy had watched as his older brother’s energy had slowly left. The wind brought in the smell of pine and a crispness; night was approaching.

The younger brother got to his feet, he grabbed his brother’s jacket. How different his brother was: helpless, weak, and withered. He turned and walked into the woods. His legs started to move faster and faster, he felt free, happy almost. His brother’s jacket became a cape as he dashed through the trees. How long would it take him to catch up?

The mountain of trees had clouds of fog dabbed here and there, like whip cream had splattered from the heavens. The fog starts to pull all together into strings and the spaces in-between become dark. The gray longhaired man’s face appears out of the hillside. His face is haggard and scrapped up, yet he is not that old. He is whispering, but no words are heard. The imagine leaves the boy and is replaced with large white words,

“QUIET AS THE FOREST”
"STEADY AS THE MOUNTAIN”
"SWIFT AS THE WIND ”

The boy kept running, it wouldn’t be long now. Suddenly he comes upon the bottom of a cliff, trapped! There is a giant hangar door on the side of the wall, the little boy is in shock, “What the hell?” cursing for the first time in his life. The view slowly pans from the boy’s face to his feet. A pair of man’s feet slowly and loudly walks up to the kid’s feet. “CRAAACK”, the boy’s body collapses and the gray haired man’s feet step over the body towards the giant door.

Robots Are Consuming 6-Packs!

According to research I have done off the interweb, it seems that we are in major trouble! First off, I had no idea they were so ahead of the game, I mean seriously, Robots that like to drink! Now I know what you're thinking, "Oh dear god, what do I serve a robot if it comes over for diner?" Don't worry, Jack has the answer(Limblesswers)! See robots do not have fully functioning taste buds, so they need something a little crasser.

A Flaming Dr. Pepper:

• 1/2 pint of beer
• 3/4 a shot glass of amaretto
• 1/4 a shot glass of Bacardi 151 or Everclear

1. Light the Shot glass on fire.
2. Hand both the half pint and shot glass to the robot.
3. Add flaming shot to beer.
4. Chug-a-lug.

I am not allowed to explain this picture, but lets just say I approve.

Obviouso!

As of recently I have been getting fan mail, pleading me to super impose a picture of themselves on a baby with a famous person. Well for a small fee, I will create a super imposed picture of you as a baby with celebrities. Don't take my word, hear what my happy customers have to say!
"I couldn't believe the level of detail!"
"A picture that proves they are my parents!"
"Finally could shut him up!"
"Two peas in a pod!"
"My Friends don't get it!"

So sign up today! If you sign up within 3 days of seeing this post, I will throw in an extra special gift, Bacon Bits Cheese Milkshake! Or you can just make it at home, take a cheese packet from a Mac 'n Cheese box and mix it in milk, top with some bacon bits and you've got a nutritious on-the-go beverage!