Bigfoot Kept Limbless J. as Love Slave!

So as of tonight I applied for an internship to STA Travel. A college traveling agency, they give cheap flights to students. They currently have a great internship, which lets people between the ages of 18-26 to travel around the world for 3 months. I was so elated when I learned that there was a chance that I could travel for FREE! So I worked on a video log and a fake blog account, day and night I toiled. Finally I had a finished product:

I send my sweet video and a few things about myself into STA. I immediately get an auto-e-mail from the good ole boys at STA, with a little link to the judges...(outrage). I am furious, I didn't realize that they hired nerfherders to judge me.

There is "Teflon Spin"

"The most chill of all the judges on board. Spin’s checkin’ out your style to make sure you can handle the culture shock of these adventures."
Well fuck, had I known that MTV from the 90's was running this operation I would've talked about my love for TRL and everything Spears.

And "Stan D-lone"

ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE! He wants to know "what makes you unique." When I look at his picture I see a guy who constantly quotes Borat and a (STD) burning for people to socially accept him.

So as I go through Jury Duty I wonder: am I being judged by my peers?

Flappin' Jacks : Full coverage on the next US war, will it prove fruitful? Will we be able to invade Canada for its precious resource: Universal Healthcare? And for our insatiable desire for better internet? Jack flapped...birdie go home.

They Come to Me in Threes

Thank you Attack of the Show for showing the world that geeks don't need to be ugly, that we do not have to quit our modeling day jobs! For too long now Das Models have been hiding their dweeb colors, fighting that urge to play video games and talking about the Hadron Collider. So thank you Olivia and Kevin and the rest of the crew at AOTS, for being like me: Funny, Geeky and most importantly good looking. You have paved the way.




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Getting Things Done

When was the last time a musical moved you?

USPS Employee Newsletter (December)

Happy Holidays!

I hope all our dedicated staff is prepared for the flurry that is coming this month. We have automated many of the forwarding services to better cope with the high volume of packages that we will be dealing with this season. Theft is of utmost importance this year, we will not tolerate any theft of any kind. Anyone caught stealing will have their bonus check confiscated. As for safety this year: remember if it seems odd to you, REPORT IT. Also we would like to remind our employees that the cavalry armor is required by law to be worn at all times and the monthly visits to the Doctor for a CAT Scan.

In other news our hearts go out to the following districts:
41 Marietta st, Atlanta, GA
108 Salem st, Rutland, OH
2004 Freedom Blvd, Freedom, CA
30180 Redfield, Shafer, MN

Cut so short in their prime sorting years.

Ikea Magazine

(Poems for the 2009 addition, how you have touched all of our hearts).

Here I Sit
I sit on Designer Furniture
Kids in the Corner
My love for cleanliness
The Magazine world,
Perfect to your eyes
My smile, your smile
The phone number in the corner
Beckoning you
Item # 32440 in Pearl White
It is all yours

Seeing Sounds

I was recently explaining how a conductor gnome would appear on a kids show, and that he emerge with a sound of a chime and a rainbow with stars. Then I was told there was no rainbow with stars that flashed across the screen, that I have been seeing sounds all along. The real question is how can we make that into a military weapon? What if Ride of the Valkyries really brought an army of angel warriors down into our realm? We could create horrible monsters with the music we make, think if Carole King's "Tapestry" could lead to clinical insanity. And further more, what if Canned Heat's "Going Up the Country" grew beards on anyone who listened to them? Just LOOK at the Before and Afters!

The Jack Attack Award: Originally started for a very special feline, Tatiana (the tiger who said she was not going to take it anymore). So it seems that the "victims" are suing the state/zoo for slander and civil rights. It is time to rally people! Get your tiger clothes on and go to the streets!

Ledematenloos Jack

So I keep talking to people and I am thinking I should tell you (dearest readers of mine) that there are a few things that I must tell you.

Number Uno: It is true, I type with a pencil in my mouth and I have a joystick wheelchair which I control with my tongue.

Numero Two: Never, NEVER, never admit to stalking random people on the street. Your closest friends will never understand, nor will the people that you followed.

Thrice? Astronauts should not be allowed to have a myspace.

The Art of the Interview

The stress applied by the interviewer, for the most part, can be overwhelming. The most common techniques for over coming stress is for the interviewees to take deep breaths, counting back from ten (or a higher number), and/or taking Dextromethorphan (commonly known as Robitussin). Ingesting Robitussin or "Robotripping" can make a job interview run smoothly. It creates a feeling of drowsiness but also a sense of excitability. This will induce a state of confidence that will allow the interviewee to execute better eye contact that is essential for a good interview. To the interviewer, the interviewee seems alert and confident, without being too slow or over anxious.

The Job is yours with Robitussin!

fate

Predicting the Future through Smells

So you have this sense that for the basic thumbed-person is just for identifying food. But I believe that it maybe possible to predict the future through your schnoz. Dogs can sense rain and earthquakes before they happen (is there nothing we cannot learn from looking to our best friends?) but can humans? YES. I have smelled the future, I have smelled where they have been and what they do...I can also foresee the forecast. Just pay attention to everyday and the smell it gives off, if it rains that day then make a mental note of the smell earlier that day. Then move up to humans, see if you can smell where they were. Ask them strange questions like, were you at a bakery yesterday? Soon you'll be picking up on everything, one with the earth, one with your nose, just be careful for what you become.

Your Future

It has become painfully obvious that the Zodiacs of the past are no longer relevant to us today, Roman or Chinese. When was the last time you looked at a Taurus/Ox and thought of course that's me? Hell I think we need to turn to a different kind of stars, TV Stars. Seinfeld is what I am talking about people! People go watch that show, maybe you don't like it (that's cool) but we all know what you are talking about when you declare that you are "An Elaine." Lets break it down:

Jerry Seinfeld -Intelligent, down to earth and a firm belief in the law. You have a problem of focusing on little issues, while missing the grander scheme. Often very sociable, you keep a close group of friends which you rarely veer from. For October (Season 3): you find yourself comfortable with your own bubble but you should try and break out, even if some people drive you nuts. Like waiting for your name to be called at a Chinese restaurant, just be patient!

George Costanza - Very successful, quick to anger, and cunning. Although successful they never feel like they have never fully achieved in life. A George is spontaneous and shrewd. For October (Season 2) Keep yourself on the same track, things are fine, don't change just because your boss will not allow you to use his personal bathroom. If you make a major change in your life, you will regret it immediately (and you might slip someone a mickey).

Elaine Benes - You are honest, smart, and assertive. You have tendencies to become superficial at times, which one must always be wary of. Also you can get in trouble for your honesty. For October (Season 8) You are coming down from a strange relation but must be wary to do what you love in public! Keep yourself from new friends with that dance of yours.

Cosmo Kramer - Creative, naive, and child-like at times. Altough strange to many, a Kramer can bring gems of insight. For October (Season 9) You find yourself angry with certian aspects of your life, but then come to an appifiny, a garbage disposal in your shower! So don't worry about being down, something will move you to stay in the shower.

Strange Times

been talkinG, been readinG, been walkinG and All I see Is removAl of self. I don'T wanT To be There, I waNt the curreNt. WatEr is timE, CurrEnt is mE, just the prEsEnt.

Don't fight the flow

Are you a Prancer?

Did you realize that women dream about horses? It's true! Google "horse" and the first thing you see is these two pictures.

That is right, they want horses and they want their man to be a horse: strong, elegant, cute and ride-able. Now like most men they probably have some of those qualities, its just we didn't know how we were being judged. How could I have missed this? So fathers of the world, realize that when your little daughter asks for a "pony" just interpret it as "boy toy." Boys, Shave the sides of your head and get shoes that clack!

FYI

• Abasiophilia: love of (or sexual attraction to) people who are lame or crippled and/or who use leg braces or other orthopaedic appliances

• Acrotomophilia: sexual attraction to amputees
• Apotemnophilia: sex arousal associated with being, becoming, or being perceived as an amputee
• Autagonistophilia: sexual arousal from being on stage or on camera
• Autassassinophilia: sexual arousal from staging one's own murder
• Autogynephilia: a male's sexual arousal in response to the image of himself as female
• Chronophilia: sexual attraction to a partner of a widely differing chronological age
• Cratophilia: sexual attraction to strength
• Erotophonophilia: lust murder
• Formicophilia: sexual attraction to smaller animals, insects, etc. crawling on parts of the body
• Homeovestism: sexual arousal by wearing the clothing emblematic of one's own sex
• Mammaphilia: (also mammagynophilia, mastofact) sexual arousal from the breasts of a woman
• Mucophilia: sexual arousal from human mucus
• Nasophilia: sexual arousal from touching the nose of a person
• Olfactophilia: sexual stimulus with smells or odors
• Somnophilia: sexual arousal from sleeping or unconscious people
• Symphorophilia: sexual arousal from disasters
• Xenophilia: sexual attraction to foreigners (in science fiction, can also mean sexual attraction to aliens)
• Androphilia: Sexual interest in men
• Analloerotic: Lacking in sexual interests towards others (but not lacking in sexual drive)
  
• Gynephilia: Sexual interest in women
• Teleiophilia: Sexual interest in adults (as opposed to pedophilia, etc.)
• Vorarephilia: sexual attraction to being eaten by, and/or eating, another person or creature

And my favorite (pictured).

• Macrophilia: sexual attraction to larger people and large things

What are you?
I think I am a Gyne-Xeno-Teleiphilia-Analloerotic

The C Factor

I have been worried about Chewie Lately, I mean the guy needs to take a stand, get on the late night show and speak out about furryness, lice and NAFTA. I mean if Robin Williams won't, who will? ..
_._..._.__. The blood in my eyes brings the future to the past. The scrape on my side is what becomes of marco polo.

I think its time readers, it time to give up on time. Time was nothing in the past, time is something you own now....How can this be? My time, your time? Time is going wrong for the human world. Da Bacca might have something to say...(no comment). Time is money, I have no interest...neither ways. Time keeps on slipping into the future.

Orange

It was love that made want to seek out
It was love that made me see the infinite

I was reacquainted with my first crush (rainbow head). I was googling 'space gang shootings' and she came up. She is now some sort of famous Sci-fi girl, doing movies like Serenity and Stargate Atlantis. I remember when I fell for her and her brightly colored hairs. She was talking to her imaginary friend and using her super scream to solve the problems of the day (1996). Space Cases lead to other problems: schizophrenia, lose of fingers, crushes and virus ridden T-bears. The funny thing is I assumed I would start dating Catalina and that we would go on dates where we played with my legoes, cars or action figures (aka guys). Just had to avoid the body sized test tubes.

L-O-V-E and MC

Love-Patch

Combs are what you'll be needin' because love is in the air, love. That's right I have yet again made the world a better place! Tired of that six-pack look that all the gals and guys have? The Love-patch simply attaches to ones stomach and let the sexy-ness go wild! Pets love their belly being rub and you will too, since you'll have the same belly. But don't guys already have the happy trail? Yeah but rubbing that fur is like caressing a stretched sweater over a bald mans head. So the crack team on Limbless Inc. invented polar bear plugs for men, including special two for one deal where if you pay for your belly you get a free fur patch plug on your head.


Also coming soon: The Oven Sock, for food that needs a good kick. Soon you'll be asked to, "Stick your foot in there to see if the roast is done."


Flapping Jack:
Essay time! Compare and Contrast the difference between Medieval Europe and present day South Carolina.

I've been out

So my dear friendliest readers, I return a changed person...I have seen both the future and the past and now "know what to do." I was told that by a sensitivitier and shes been right before.


Speaking of sensitive, lets talk time travel. I know that this is a loaded issue, with some people on the right to choose and the others: murder. But good news readers! Chris, a friend that I have recently met, is a time traveler! He is saving the white man...in the past. Did you realize that James Dean, Winston Churchill and Vanilla ice were all really big dorks until Chris came to the rescue?

Moving on, Wind power...Mr. Pickens calls the USA a Saudi Arabia of Wind. This oil Tycoon turned wind power nut has another thing coming if he think he can ruin my wind. What else do we have left that is free anymore? Bacon? Theres nothing else and I would just like to state wind is my best friend. It has always been letting my kites and contacts fly! Why does Pickens have to pick on my wind? Why can't we just keep up with nuclear power that is so safe?

I am starting a new section to my blog, I call it Flapping Jack. Flapping Jack knows about sex, and if you don't know about Indian Rubbing, You have NOT been doing it (right).

word, Jack Flap

6.6 degrees!

It is official we are about 7 people away from EVERYONE (and Kevin Bacon). Do you realize what this means reader? We have to move out of the planet! Do you really want people knowing you? Do you really want to join that facebook club? Do you really want to be the same? Not me, I say it's time to go Columbus all over the moon/mars ass. Hell, just for the sake of it we will call the next planet we colonize: west earthies.

I'm sure there some people out there that think this is great...Butts. These people don't realize that they are stealing your life force, they make you like them, they take your originality, you are becoming watered down by your friends. Do you want to be diet coke? Tulta munille!


Comment of the Week
"You know limbless, you and Alf are the exact same except Alf eats cats."

Wrong again.

I want my song on your ipod

AN End of AN Era

I recently was watching a McDonald's commercial and then I realized I felt no hunger for their burgers! Was I hungry? Always! So what was the problem with me? (unclear) But I found that it wasn't me (although it was). It is that M-to-the-cD is not (Dun DUN Dunnnn!) advertising to me (whiteys, honkeys, crackers, etc.).


I no longer hunger for happy meal meat, the massacred potatoes and paper tasting veggies! Now I'm not mad/sad, 'I am lovin' it' that it can be taken over by the other cultures. It is just like in the Roman times, when the barbarians started taking over the bath house and then Rome itself.

So in conclusion fall, fail, common (veni, vedi, vici)!

I'm too High, but I haven't left the ground

I must walk in the same shoes as pumas, it is the only way to understand.

Packages and UPS

I have recently quit my job at UPS and because I will forget it all and want to tell the world what a rip off all packaging companies are...this is what I learn-ed.

UPS:

• UPS ground is the always the cheapest, there is Next day, 2 day, 3 day and finally Ground.
  
• If you have several things to send pack them into the biggest box possible, it will be cheaper to send less bigger items than a bunch of lighter/smaller ones.
• Always check the rates online, there are three rates for UPS for each speed (except Ground), so when you go in you will know for a fact which is cheaper.
• Islands have no 3 day, they call it ground but charge you like its three day (e.g. sending to Hawaii).
• If you have a package that is over 300 lbs and/or bigger than 4ft cubed, the cheapest is to send it Freight. If you call the UPS store they will charge you more and all they have to do is call a special guy to pick it up. Note: Usually UPS Freight is usually more expensive than Yellow Freight (go check out both). Freight is great for moving, just put all your stuff in one giant box.
  
• UPS owns DHL
• UPS is safer than USPS for some foreign countries with troublesome customs, such as Indonesia. They might just open your package or charge more when it gets there. But it will be ten times more expensive.
  
• If you plan on sending documents they have free envelopes, actually every service from Fedex to DHL offer free packages.
• UPS charges a fee to USPS mail, like stamps are currently .42 cents, but UPS charges .50 cents for a stamp.
  

USPS:

• You will always save money if you go to the post office and send things there.
• Media rate is probably the cheapest if you cannot keep it in the first class range (regular mail).
• USPS uses Fedex to send everything now.
  
• Priority Mail is the best feature from shipping. They have envelopes that are a flat rate of $4.80 in all the US. Outside the US it still is one of the cheapest, it is also the fastest. Although it will get their next day in the same time zone and usually 2 days anywhere in the US. Priority flat rate usually goes with Express (USPS fastest shipping), they are put in the same bins.
• USPS works in generalities, so nothing is going to get there on an exact day.
  
• Parcel Post is like UPS ground, and it depends on the package for which is the cheaper.
• Normal letters going international are $.94
  
• You can add special items to your USPS mail, like certified mail or senders receipt for additional charge.

Packing:

• Make it tight, if you can push the box in easily, it will be a mess by the time it arrives. Another problem is just clothes in a box, the box will break when its stacked.
  
• Don't buy boxes, just go to stores and ask for them, they will give you them for free.
  
• Never use those plastic bins.
• THEY HATE THOSE and they don't stay closed
• You can cap a box by taping a box of similar size on top of the other.
• To make a box smaller cut the box with a razor once so the skin of the cardboard has a line and then fold. Repeat until all sides are collapsible.
  

The Chicken and the Egg

For too long now the chicken or the egg question has been on top of the metaphors about which came first, until now! We are no longer 20th century and neither should our metaphors, so I give you the 21st mantra. Cucumber or cumbersome, which came first? Was it that Cucumbers were such a pain for cave man to carry and thus the word cumbersome was born or vice-a-versa? Or was it like "uggh this is one cumbersome gourd...some cu-cumber?!"


Welcome future, you're Welcome.

Live by: Words

Great Grand Father: "Don't leave home without it" (Whiskey)
Grand Father: "Never put ice in your drink, wastes a good drink."
Father: "Always order your olives on the side because you get more alcohol."
Me: "My shoe is a flask!"

FAQs

Q: What?
Q: I'm sorry?
Q: I'm sorry...? (When I have done something wrong and all I know is they want me to apologize.)
Q: Chesire cat?
Q: Why did you get kicked out of the warped tour?
Q: Bushy Lady?
Q: All problems stem from jobs and sex?

can't tell you how often I hear this and then talk out loud...Do not talk out loud.

The Perfect Women

You're Duke of New York! A Number One!

I Hate My Blog and So should YOU!

1. It lacks any focus (like those damn democrats)
3. It has poor spelling and grammer and is rarely re-read for errors
4. I am constantly tell you the reader what to do, like you don't know what to do? Like the human race can't survive.
5. I can and will out drink you and don't expect me to stop...'nuff said

Bo' Diddley's gone and all you can do is hate my blog>shame on you!

Marriage!

"Just so you know got married last month. Just started telling people this weekend"

-Bobet cow

peat!

Dear Zach Galifianakis,

I am a long time fan, first time writer. I feel like you have “it” but you have yet to really make "it" to the top. I started to think, “Why has he not become super famous, why doesn’t everyone know the name Galifianakis?” Then it came to me, you must start your own ‘Kis Army! Hordes of fans ready to die for your merchandise ideals, people who will argue over your jokes and their relativity to everyday life.
Now I know what you’re thinking: Thongs, but you must go further. Think about all the famous people, what do they have? Crazies. And now we have arrived to why I have decided to send this letter, I want you to hire me as you’re alpaca shepherd. I will don a white robe and follow around one alpaca, one that you have deemed worthy. For this to work you must choose an alpaca that is of the correct lineage, one of holy descent. You will make this alpaca your god and savior and I, you’re lonely shepherd will take care of your alpacas every need.
Although this may cause problems, such as I might (big might) become a messiah/prophet/false prophet. This may lead to things like plagues, magic and trying to predict the future. Anyway, I don’t need your fancy life style; I just need your alpaca and do you validate parking?

Sincerely,


Jack

Let's Get the Ball Rolling

In a world where few people know what/who they I have recently come to a conclusion. That I am in fact one of the four horsemen, it wasn't my choice but I kept having these voices telling me that I would end the world when I was a lad. These very same voices told me that I would die young, in my twenties as an alternative to the whole apocalyptic job. I actually bet someone that I would die young, although I don't know how he is gonna get money. Anyway, what I am trying to say that I want my friend to win. You must kill me, or if you have the power of Constantine (Keanu Reeves), that would be acceptable.

Now I know what you're thinking, you'll come off as insane . Killing some random person and claiming to "have killed the fourth horseman!" But it's perfect, you have insanity on your side. So my up-and-coming assassin, show me what you can do! Cause I ain't going down without a fight.

A friendly reminder from the fourth horseman.

Visioneers!

FTW!

Sausage

The history of the sausage is a long one, still truly unknown, being produced in almost every nation around the world. The meat product was and is a popular one, being easily stored for years without refrigeration. Believed to be originated from present day Iraq, It came to be from the mixture of domesticated animals (lamb and goat) with the import of new found spices. It quickly spread across the land.
The First record of Sausage in history is around 500 B.C. from Homer's Odyssey and a comedy titled "The Sausage" by Epicharmus.

For more information on the sausage check out wikipedia.

The New Face of Porn

Are you tired of all the types of porn, bondage, never nude, foot, hentai and/or Myspace? Enter Abstract Porn or Ab-Po (patent pending) will bring the world to a completely sexually driven society. It will make the FDA obsolete and absurd. So what is Ab-Po? Simply put, it is any picture that has no sexual content, until the viewer is told that it is sexual. Look at that boat image; it didn't seem sexual until now! The clouds, the shape of the buildings, the dirty dirty windows are now etched into the audiences mind as sexy.

The revolution that is Ab-Po will take the world by storm! It will make us think about pictures in a different light. With more images being considered sexually explicit, there will be an economic boom. It has been proven that if a product can be associated with sex, it will sell at a higher rate. Ab-Po will save the USA! (To become an investor send your money to: Limbless Jack).

Why would anyone choose Ab-Po over the regular porn?

• Because it isn't porn, no one can get in trouble looking at neutral pictures.
  
• It's the greatest pornography ever! It is what your imagination makes it!
• It's economical.

DoctorBalls has done it Again!

I found these pictures on the web, by a one Doctorballs. Pure genius! In name and artistic talent, mixing colors with pop culture and then adding more pop culture. I think we all remember our childhood as icons and bright colors.

Anime has gone too far!

TV, Pokemon, big eyes and now this!

Spayak

Have you ever thought about SPACE TRAVEL? (people nodding) But are afraid of heights or don't have the engineering skills to build a spaceship?

Well then do we have the answer for you, SPAYAK! It's a spaceship and a kayak all in one. And don't worry about driving, because you have an sea otter (Enhydra lutris) trapped in the front cockpit bubble to steer your spayak. Just paddle and enjoy experiencing the river like you're in space.

DISNEYLAND!

Friends in Shoes

Condoms or socks? Which came first? Obliviously it was a sock, although it's suck a shame, what if the condom came first? What would've come to the sock, ribbed socks? Socks protecting the feet from STD's. I'm not saying that the foot is phallic or even that shoes are vaginal. What I'm saying is socks keep your feet cold unless your feet are in shoes. So they are friends in shoes.

Another One Bites the Dust

Enemies! They are every where! That's why I have to give kudos to my new non-enemy, hawks. Pigeons have been terrorizing me for years, their words like poison as I walk by. Pigeons sell meth, always like, "you want cream?" then let the terrorizing begin. Enemy Attack, time to get back (Hawked Backed).>>>to the v then to the * whawahwuwuapp

Enemies coming for later, Black clouds with sleep.

[SOUND IS SQUARE]